From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
[Adjusts Mortarboard]
I've been reading about how New York AG Eric Schneiderman has filed a $40 million lawsuit against Donald Trump for running a "fraudulent" university. As a graduate of Trump U, I would like to correct the record by posting the contents of the online final exam I took last year:
1. President Obama's birth certificate is: [Fake] [Who knows?]
2. In order for a woman to serve in Congress, she should first have to: [Win an election] [Win the swimsuit portion] [Both]
You're doing great! To continue your final exam, please enter your credit card number and deposit $5,000.
Thank you!
3. The greatest personality on Celebrity Apprentice is [Trump] [Trump] [Trump].
4. The #1 rule when constructing a golf course in a populated and environmentally fragile area is: [Be sensitive to the needs of the residents and the land] [Haul in the earthmovers and sue all the residents for anything you can think of]
Almost done! To continue, please enter your credit card number and deposit $5,000.
Thank you!
5. How do you like the test so far? [It's great!] [It's fabulous!] [It's beautiful, baby!]
6. Wearing a ferret on your head is an act of: [Bravery] [Intelligence] [Patriotism]
This concludes the test portion. To access the grading portion, please enter your credit card number and deposit $5,000.
Thank you!
To determine your final grade, choose the answers you think are correct and compare them to the answers you chose. If you match more than two, congratulations! You've earned your diploma from Trump University!
To receive your diploma, please enter your credit card number, deposit $10,000, and hum Pomp & Circumstance.
Thank you!
I wish I could be there to see the tears of joy in your eyes, but I've got a thing I gotta be at. ---D.T.
For the record, I graduated summa cum self-laude, and for just $5,000 more I earned my Masters and got a Ph.D. at no extra charge.
Fraudulent university, my ass.
Sincerely,
Bill in Portland Maine
(But you can just call me "Doctor.")
Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Tuesday, August 27, 2013
Note: True fact---the longer an unmarked white van stays parked in the same spot, the creepier it becomes.
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9 days!!!
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til the---[
Crack! Kaboom!!!]---autumnal equinox:
27
Days 'til the
International Seaplane Fly-in in Greenville, Maine:
9
Minimum number of mosques the NYPD has targeted in its clandestine surveillance program:
250
Number of terrorism leads procured from the surveillance in six years:
0
(Source: Harper's Index)
Percent chance that the Roberts Court is one of the most terrifying in our country's history:
100%
(Source: Justice
Ruth Bader Ginsburg)
Growth in the bourbon and "super premium bourbon" markets, respectively, in the last year:
13%, 79%
Growth in the rum and "super premium rum" markets, respectively, in the last year:
2.5%, 91%
(Source:
TodayMoney)
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Tuesday Words of Wisdom from the Right-wing Blogosphere:
You forget who you're dealing with: a naked Marxist and Dingy Harry. Try your strategy, and not only will the Demonrats rip you to shreds, but McShame, Nancy Boy Grahamnesty and the rest of the linguini-spined, empty-scrotum RINOs will join in the fun.
---Commenter conservanic at the Michelle Malkin blog
All together now: 1…2…3…
Classy!
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Puppy Pic of the Day: In Maryland, happiness abounds at the second annual Puppy Plunge!!!
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CHEERS to Land of Enchantment Engagement. Joe at the Joe-My-God blog sums up what's happening with marriage equality in New Mexico: "Zoom, zoom, zoom…"
Judge Alan Malott ruled Monday afternoon that state law doesn't prevent same-sex couples from marrying in New Mexico. Malott ruled that the Bernalillo and Santa Fe county clerks must grant marriage licenses to gay couples who apply for them. … Bernalillo County will start issuing licenses to gay couples on Tuesday. … Santa Fe County started issuing licenses to same-sex couples last week after a judge there ordered the county clerk to do so. A few days before that, the Dona Ana County Clerk starting issuing licenses to gay couples after he said the state law didn't prohibit it.
So New Mexico becomes our toehold in the southwest---awesome. Now we just need a judge to fire up the same-sex marriage movement in the deep south and we'll have the bigots surrounded. Don’t pull a hamstring bustin' outta the starting blocks, Alabama.
JEERS to the not-so-fine art of running around in circles. Here's the latest on Syria from the perspective of the U.S. and Russia:
It's too bad no one
knows who "our" is.
USA: We have proof that the Syrian government was behind the chemical-weapons attack on its own citizens!
RUSSIA: No it wasn't.
USA: Yes it was!
RUSSIA: No it wasn't!
USA: A sphincter says what?
RUSSIA: What?
USA: A sphincter says what?
RUSSIA: What?!!
The sad part? I'm told that's progress.
CHEERS to the Arm-Twister-in-Chief. Happy 105th birthday to #36, Lyndon Baines Johnson. The 719 historians and political scientists surveyed for the book Rating the Presidents rank him 12th among the presidents, concluding that he was...
The good side of
LBJ's presidency.
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"A tragic figure," "A man of noble sentiments," and "a great political talent who overreached himself and his country." In ranking him in the top third of American presidents, they give him high praise for his domestic achievements, low marks for his Southeast Asia failure. "Great Society torpedoed by Vietnam," writes one participant. In the political skill category, Johnson is outranked only by Franklin Roosevelt and Lincoln.
As his press secretary, George Reedy wrote: "Of all his qualities...the most important was that he knew how to make our form of government work. That is an art that has been lost since his passing and we are suffering heavily as a result." Thankfully, one art that has
also been lost is
picking up Fido by the ears. I'm sorry, but i gotta bump him down to 13th for that.
JEERS to the Liar-in-Chief. Fond memories: eleven years ago, on August 27, 2002, George W. Bush had Saudi Prince Bandar bin Sultan-of-Swing over to his Crawford Ranch for a little brush-clearin' and jerky chompin' and Iraq discussin':
"Who can make the sun rise
and sprinkle it with dew? The
Bandy Man! HehHehHeh..."
The meeting, however, failed to change Saudi Arabia's strong opposition to a military attack. "There is no country in the world that I know of that supports military action against Iraq at this time," Adel Al-Jubeir, a foreign policy adviser to the Saudi kingdom, told CNN. […]
"If the objective is to dismantle the weapons of mass destruction program, we could probably do that without going to war," Al-Jubeir said.
"Why not use that option? Why do people want to risk the lives of tens of thousands of American men and women in uniform for an objective that can be achieved through negotiations?"
Oh, let’s see: to get our hands on cheap oil, to feed the military-industrial complex, to scare Americans into re-electing the macho Republicans, to bully the world, to get revenge on Saddam for "tryin' to kill mah daddy," and to act out G.I. Joe fantasies aboard an aircraft carrier under a "Mission Accomplished" banner. Other than that, I got nothin'.
JEERS to a whole lotta chillin' goin' on. The Maine-based tree bark readers at the Farmers' Almanac are out with its winter forecast, and it looks like I may be forced to wear long pants:
2013-14 winter
SPOILER ALERT
The 197-year-old publication that hits newsstands Monday predicts a winter storm will hit the Northeast around the time the Super Bowl is played at MetLife Stadium in the Meadowlands in New Jersey. It also predicts a colder-than-normal winter for two-thirds of the country and heavy snowfall in the Midwest, Great Lakes and New England. "We're using a very strong four-letter word to describe this winter, which is C-O-L-D. It's going to be very cold," said Sandi Duncan, managing editor.
[T]he almanac says its forecasts used by readers to plan weddings and plant gardens are correct about 80 percent of the time.
Also in the forecast: a 100% chance of idiots shouting "Global cooling!" at the first snowflake sighting.
CHEERS to movers and slakers. Prostitution is legal in Switzerland (so many horny millionaires, so little time). But organized crime's tentacles, plus unsanitary/unsupervised conditions are giving the business a bad name, so they're opening up drive-through sex stalls out in the sticks. Imagine---seriously, just imagine---how the deficit hawks in this puritanical country would react if this happened here:
Old man Jingleheimerschmitt
phones in a reservation.
Voters in Zurich approved spending up to 2.4 million Swiss francs ($2.6 million) on the project last year as a way of relocating the sex traffic away from a busy downtown area where it had become a public nuisance and safety concern due to lack of sanitation, aggressive men, and associated drugs and violence. The city, which only allows prostitution in certain areas, also plans to spend 700,000 francs ($760,000) a year to keep the sex boxes running. … The [sex workers'] income is taxed and subject to social insurance like any other economic activity.
Oh, and Hans? When you enter the drive-through, don't throw your head back and yell "Super size me!" Just…don't.
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Five years ago in C&J: August 27, 2008---the Democratic National Convention continues…
CHEERS to that magic moment. Last night Hillary Clinton graciously thanked her supporters, admonished the hardliners in her camp to think of "we" instead of "me," and turned the keys to the White House over to Barack Obama. Best lines: "It makes sense that George Bush and John McCain will be together next week in the Twin Cities. Because these days they're awfully hard to tell apart" and "We don’t need four more years of the last eight years." And the bumper sticker: "No way. No how. No McCain." Can you hear her now, PUMA?
CHEERS to Night 3! Tonight's convention line-up includes: Bill Clinton, Tom Daschle; Gov. Bill Richardson, Senators Bayh, Kerry, Reid, and Salazar, Congressmembers Jim Clyburn, Robert Wexler and Patrick Murphy, and Iraq War veteran Tammy Duckworth will lead a tribute honoring veterans, active duty military and their families. And then...from the Scranton suburb of Delaware...weighing in at give-or-take 180 pounds: Joe "Scrappy Pappy Mad Dog Ham Bone Unleash 'Im and Turn 'Im Loose" Biden! Aroooooo!!! For those of you who can't stand the sight of blood, there's always The Weather Channel.
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And just one more…
CHEERS and/or JEERS to Drunk History. The stories are all true and based on actual historical events. The real-life characters are played by A-list celebrities. The storytellers…are drunk. I'm told that hilarity ensues:
If that looks like your cup of tea, there's a new episode tonight at 10 on Comedy Central. Please guffaw responsibly.
Have a nice Tuesday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
Writing Cheers and Jeers has long been considered among the “manliest” of professions, but now there may be scientific proof to back it up.
---Time
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