POLITIFORMERS: More than meets the pie!
[ Part I - II - III - IV - V ]
Little did you know, but many of our most prominent politicians are actually super-powerful robots, hiding in our midst. This series profiles the Politiformers in the first decade of the new millennium, the Republicons and the Demobots.
Here in Part I be the Republicons who led the charge into war with Planet Iraq. Well, the purely rhetorical part of the charge, that is. Know them well:
REPUBLICONS
Decepticans, whatever—you don't even really have to change the name.
Evil, or incompetent? Haha, trick question! Gotta say, this whole thing kind of breaks down from the get-go when you consider that the make-believe cartoon characters actually fight in their own wars. But hey, you go to metaphor with the robot army you have, not the robot army you might want. Careful there, or you might start to question why some of the Politiformers' transformations aren't really much of a disguise. Anyways... Republicons, ATTACK!
Soundwell
Loyal, versatile, and highly proficient, he always follows orders to a T, especially when it comes to
misinformation and
cover-ups. Heck, he's a tape recorder, and one who learned from
Nixon's mistakes. He commands major respect from some Demobots despite the kind of robots he chooses to take orders from. What the hey; when he transforms, conservation of mass seems not to apply to him either.
Shockrove
With laser gun focus, he perpetually mans the controls and tries to keep the mighty Wurlitzer running. "The fools I have to work with," he grumbles, as he stares with that beady eye. Just don't watch his attempt at rap; you'll forever be scarred by his
stiff-jointed performance, no joke. (Why did you watch that? I warned you!) When he's not turning puny worker robots into slag, apparently he
collects stamps, or something.
Kickfeld
"We must feed (must feed) the empire (the empire)! People are suffering as a consequence, you say? This whole thing
might be worse than for naught, you contend? How do you
know that? Besides, too bad,
stuff happens (stuff happens)." Fancies himself some kind of philosophical intellectual, but really he's just got bugs for brains.
Thunderleezza
Everything is always like the Cold War with the planet Russia; it's what she knows best. Reserved unless provoked, she works behind the scenes. Pity the robot on the receiving end of her
stare of death.
Scourgie
Trepidatious and cowardly, he only
acts forcefully after he's sure he's safe. C'mon, Scourgie, give it up already, we all know your heart's not really in it! To be sure, that aspect does lend him a certain entertaining air, which makes him
our favorite among the otherwise interchangeable Republicon Press Sweepretaries.
You think Glenn Greenwald gets scoops? I'll show you some damn scoops. To be sure, that's to be taken literally—check these out:
Neoconstructicons
Long-range planners, they keep trying to form
ShockastatAwe and blatantly crush another unfortunate civilization, but they haven't quite gotten the band back together since 2003.
Wumble
Pipsqueak punk just likes to break stuff. Yeah, sure, he'll tell you that he's bringing about a "
peeance, freeance secure planet Iraq." Gee,
that's deep.
Megadick
His ruthlessness and cunning, combined with his insatiable thirst for energy resources and the eagerness with which he employs destructive force, put him atop the Republicon dogpile. When you're all gun and
no heart... Actually, scratch that, even
implanting a live, beating heart didn't help. He is so powerful and feared that, when he personally blasted a fellow Republicon in the face, the associate
apologized to
him. Let's just hope he doesn't get reincarnated as Galvadick.
[shudder]
Pro tip: Mouse over the images and wait a sec to see the pre-mashup names.
This is the first in a five-part daily series exposing the long-held secrets of the Politiformers:
I. Republicons - Sorcerers of Mass Destruction
II. Republicons - Pillage of the Damned
III. Demobots - Inauspicious Study of Discernible Reality
IV. Demobots - The Best and the Shiniest
V. The Rest of Us - Some Robots Are More Equal Than Others
Each part after this one will be posted at 7:30 PM PST on consecutive days. Tune in tomorrow for the next exciting episode of... the Politiformers!
Obtain the author's permission before reproducing this article in large part or in full. All Transformers comparisons in this post refer to (and in turn parody!) the "Generation 1" cartoon and movie (1984-1987). Any crossover from that newfangled Michael Bay stuff is purely coincidental, I assure you. Imagery sourcing is fair use due to parody/commentary purpose, small size, and new composition. The Seibertron, ToyBin, and Transformers Wiki sites were useful for "research" for the post.