I've written here before about my criminally abusive, neglectful, alcoholic, narcissistic mother in comments and diaries. I'm 40 years old now and she can't hurt me anymore. I've cut her out of my life and she's pretty much dead to me. I'm the eldest of 11 kids, every one of us victims of her abuse and neglect. I had always believed until now that all of us would escape her warped universe and go on to be better parents and better people based on the fact that we were hurt so much.
Most of them grew up to be nearly as fucked up as she is. It's a sad, new reality for me, one that I never imagined.
What's been happening to me the last few months....I never saw this coming. What am I, some kindda maroon? How could I have never seen this coming?
1. My sister who is 4 years younger than me came to stay with me a few months ago because she was 9 months pregnant and living with a ratchet, nasty, filthy-house-keeping, child neglecting friend who only let her stay because my sister manipulated said ratchet friend into thinking said ratchet friend could adopt her baby. After 3 weeks at my house (a safe environment), my sister blew up on me because I pointed out her pill addiction and threatened to put her in rehab. After she ate all my food and spent all my money, she went right back to her ratchet friend. She was supposed to be coming back because she left all her kid's pictures and all her clothes. She had promised to buy me food with her ebt card because I was truly broke after putting her up and she left on the day her ebt card was replenished, leaving me to have to beg my boyfriend for help after he had done so much for my sister already. She went back to her ratchet friend's house and told everyone that I was a pill addict and she didn't owe me shit. I don't take pills. I smoke weed. WTF??? She talked about me so badly when she left, that I was in total shock when it got back to me. Now her newborn as well as her 3 year old have both been taken into county custody because my sister has been deemed (again) an unfit parent. She was forbidden by social workers to have her children around said ratchet friend because ratchet friend is a felon. But my sister wanted to be an addict more than a mother so they caught her with ratchet friend and took the kids. She had 5 other children taken away from her 12 years ago. They are still in foster care. 7 kids in county custody. smh I haven't gotten ONE call from her to this day.
2. My 19 year old sister called me crying because her boyfriend hit her. I ran to her rescue and took her into my house only to find out that she was only using me to make her boyfriend think she would leave him. She left and went back to him without saying goodbye to me or anything at all. Just up and left. Never called me again. I found out later that she's a website prostitute. (facepalm) Holy Christ, kill me now!!! She doesn't want my help. I don't have a house full of drama and orgies. I don't have drugs here and I don't drink alcohol everyday. I'm some kindda loser, I guess. I actually feel more pity for her than anybody else because she's so young. But I can't force her to stay. By law, she is no longer a minor.
3. I took in a brother who didn't have anywhere to go. I quickly realized that he was NUTS!!! I had a few disagreements with him on a few topics and he lost his fucking mind and started screaming and insulting me. I had a bone to pick with him about how he talks to other players on playstation. I told him at least 15 times that I didn't want to hear him, literally in the next room, with no door, yelling "bitch, f*g, fuck, shit, bitch, f*g" all fucking day. The last time I said it, he lost his fucking mind, started screaming at me (in MY fucking house) and when I told him to GTFO, he threatened to call social security on me and tell them...I'm not even sure what he was going to tell them. To be fair, he was THE ONLY REMORSEFUL ONE. He apologized profusely and humbly, begged me not to hate him, acknowledged that he was behaving like our mother and then went to a therapy session that he plans to continue. He's alright with me. He had me at hello.
4. The other brother I let come and stay because he was sleeping in his car. He was opinionated, nasty, condescending and disrespectful to me so many times, just in conversation. He argued with the first brother, yelling and screaming at the top of his lungs (above my downstairs neighbor) and I told him to get out because he wouldn't stop yelling. He continued to yell and scream anyway and not leave. I got frustrated and pushed him towards the room I was letting him stay in so he could either start packing or STFU. He turned around and slammed me on the floor. I had a huge bruise on my arm for days. I forgave him because he half-ass apologized and I let him come back. A few weeks later, he's yelling and disrespecting me in my house again, slamming the door in my face (IN MY HOUSE), calling me names, intimidating and threatening me, etc. I told him 2 days later that I wanted him gone because I didn't trust him and I felt uncomfortable, intimidated, terrorized and abused in my own house. He went the fuck crazy. He screamed like a maniac, called me a whore, called me an atheist devil-worshiping bitch, broke a sliver of wood off my door slamming it in anger, he threatened to smash all the things in my house, called me bitches and hoes over and over and terrorized me with physical threats, walked toward me several times like he was gonna hit me. When I cried out of terror and fear, he mocked me. "Look at this dramatic hoe! Oh, boo-hoo-hoo, phony ass bitch! Fake tears!!! Boo hoo hoo!!!!!"
Word for word, this is how my mother treated me. She abused me, hit me, terrorized me, made me sob and then accused me of being "dramatic and phony". Classic abuser behavior. Oh, gawd help me. My other brother, the one who lives here permanently and is on social security for mental illness witnessed the entire thing and did nothing in my defense. I fled the house to get help from the police. Other brother stopped me at the door as I was leaving and said, "Are you serious about being scared of your own little brother? Boy, the men in your past must have really beaten you!".
No men in my past ever beat me, you asshole! This asshole brother mutherfucker is TERRORIZING ME and THREATENING TO HIT ME right in front of you! I had a talk with him later. "If you EVER let another man, brother or otherwise, terrorize me in OUR FUCKING HOUSE, your ass is going out the door with him, I don't give a fuck how sick you are! You aint too sick to deduct that some imagined past abuse in my life is making me OVERREACT to our goddamn brother acting a damn fool in OUR HOUSE!!! You had better grow up and be a man or else I'm gonna cut you out of my life forever and I don't give a fuck. Let another woman be terrorized by another man in your presence again and see what happens, you half raised, woman-hating jackass!"
5. Ironically, I had to hold the sick brother back from beating the asses of BOTH brothers (and I told them both to leave) a few weeks ago. When he's being insulted and threatened, he wants to open a can of whoop ass. When it's happening to ME, he stands there in the kitchen and continues to cook fried eggs like nothing's happening. FUCK THAT! I'm moving out of my house in the summer and I'm going to work at an amusement park that will put me up for the summer so I can save money and move to another state. I have been taking care of him for nearly 3 years and now it's time for him to move on and live by himself. I have done too much to save his homeless ass for him to just stand there while terrorizing brother is scaring me to death. I have done too much for him for him to act ungrateful every time he gets mad at me for telling him to clean up after himself and stop destroying my house with his laziness and neglect and disrespect. He's not functionally physically disabled, he was just raised in a filthy, chaotic house and I'm sick of his shit. Every time I point this out he's like; "Call social security and switch (payee) over to somebody else then?!" Like whom, jackass! Nobody wants to be bothered with you and that's how the fuck I got involved! I have saved your ass from a crack hotel, got your medical shit together for you, got you an ebt card and basically "pimped" your whole life better than Xibit EVER pimped anybody's ride! I fixed YOUR LIFE at the dteriment of my own peace of mind and now you wanna be that kind of asshole?!
The terrorizing brother left my house (all this went down just 5 days ago) before I could get back with the cops. I don't give a fuck how cold it is outside. Take your mommy issues and go fuck yourself, brother. I think he left because I informed him that my son was PISSED OFF and he was COMING.
I was expecting terrorizing brother to come back to retaliate. I picked up my son from the Greyhound station, both of us fully expecting to have to confront his uncle about terrorizing and abusing his mother. But my terrorizing brother is a punk ass bitch (as we say in the hood). He didn't want any of my son or my boyfriend who also wanted me to tell him exactly when my brother left the house so he could catch him on the street and teach him the meaning of bullying. My boyfriend is 5'11", 215 lbs and he works out like a maniac everyday. My terrorizing brother is 5'11" and about a good 150 lbs soaking wet. For the record, I am 5'1" and 125 lbs. A VERY small woman. My brother was smart to leave. He was about to get hulk smashed by two big men who love this little woman.
The fact that I had to call my boyfriend for help to save me from my brother when it's usually the other way around for most people was disheartening and hopeful at the same time. I can choose my friends and I have obviously chosen well. Family...not so much. The fact that I had to call my son to straighten his uncle out and not the other way around is the same. My son doesn't hate me like we do our own mother. I raised my son (and daughter) with no abuse, neglect or violence. But it is disheartening to know that my mother ruined these kids so much that they have no concept of motherly love and respect. To quote my son's exact words; "Did he forget that you have a Son?!!!" In other words, "Does he know that people will fuck you up about terrorizing and abusing their MOTHERS?!!". Terrorizing brother had the nerve to point out that he was his UNCLE (woooooo!) and that they had grown up together. Yeah, that's because I used to have 3 brothers (him included) staying at my house every summer when they were kids. My son doesn't GIVE A FUCK about an uncle who played with him when they were kids over his own mother. My son is not Little Boo anymore. He is a MAN now and he's COMING FOR YOU!!!
My son didn't even get all amped and hyped up about it. He didn't curse or threaten, he never raised his voice as I was telling him what went down. I didn't even ask him to come. It was his idea. He never threatened to beat anybody up or be violent. I would never want my son to do that and get himself hurt. But some things, you can't stop your kids from doing. He's my good guy hero. He never had to even look at my brother. Like I said, the punk ass bitch left when he knew my son was on his way.
I just wanted to vent a little about this. He hasn't been back except to get his bag of clothes. I will never see my brother again. I will never deal with two of my three sisters AGAIN.
This is sad but cleansing. I used to be so worried about them. For many years, I wished to know their whereabouts and whether or not they needed me. I felt tremendous guilt for keeping to myself. Now my heart feels....liberated?
I feel SO SO SOOOOOOO bad for what we have all been through but I never knew they'd grow up to be devil spawn and now I kindda dislike or even HATE a few of them. I feel that I can open the prison door of guilt and abandonment issues and not give a shit. But then I feel terrible for them still. Wow. Talk about mixed emotions. I'm free to not give a shit but then I feel almost callous and ignorant for being that way. Self preservation wins the day.
And I haven't been immune. I have terrorized, hit and insulted my best friend/boyfriend a few times and he came really close to never speaking to me again. I didn't understand. I thought his strange addiction and the hell that it has put me through gave me the right to retaliate on him that way. I had to look at myself in the mirror and see who I was. I'm lucky that he has forgiven me over and over. Oh, my dear, my forever love, my best friend for life....I am so sorry. I've been a monster.
In conclusion, victims of child abuse are not okay sometimes. It takes years of therapy and un-learning bad behaviors to really bring you out of the raging storm of
your own misplaced anger and rage. For a long time, you won't even understand yourself. I have coped with my issues in so many ways, some healthy and some not so healthy. Music really helps me. It takes me out of my own head for a while. The day both my brothers ganged up on me, the remorseful brother heard me playing this song:
Woman I can hardly express,I play this song and imagine that all my brothers and sisters who hurt me are singing this to me, begging for forgiveness. Remorseful brother got it right away because he was eavesdropping on me, crying to this song and he remembered that I never deserved this disrespect. I took care of terrorizing brother and remorseful brother when they were babies while my mother was at the bar getting drunk. I took care of them all when they were too little to do anything for themselves. I did the best I could, being a child myself. I am black Fiona Gallagher. Perhaps one day the rest of them will remember and feel bad for me like I feel for them. Only time will tell. For now, "Shameless" is all I have to relate to.
My mixed emotions at my thoughtlessness,
After all I'm forever in your debt,
And woman I will try express,
My inner feelings and thankfullness,
For showing me the meaning of success,
oooh well, well,
oooh well, well,
Woman I know you understand
The little child inside the man,
Please remember my life is in your hands,
And woman hold me close to your heart,
However, distant don't keep us apart,
After all it is written in the stars,
oooh well, well,
oooh well, well,
Woman please let me explain,
I never mean(t) to cause you sorrow or pain,
So let me tell you again and again and again,
I love you (yeah, yeah) now and forever,
I love you (yeah, yeah) now and forever,
I love you (yeah, yeah) now and forever,
I love you (yeah, yeah)....
In the meantime, I get lost in the rock and roll of an old Dobie Gray song and drift away. That's all I can do. Wait, escape and hope.
Thanks for listening. :-)
As I was editing and finishing this diary, terrorizing brother had the nerve to call my phone and ask to speak to remorseful brother. I said; "He's not here." and the little bastard hung up the phone. Seriously, fuck him. Until he learns to deal with his goddamn mommy issues, I'm not ever answering my mutherfucking phone for him again. I don't know why I did it in the first place. If these goddamn little hellspawn bastards don't do something about their mommy issues and make things up to me that they have done to me, I'll die without ever speaking another word to them. Tough fucking love, assholes! I've never done one fucking thing to any of you!And I'm spent. For real this time.