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I've written here before about my criminally abusive, neglectful, alcoholic, narcissistic mother in comments and diaries. I'm 40 years old now and she can't hurt me anymore. I've cut her out of my life and she's pretty much dead to me. I'm the eldest of 11 kids, every one of us victims of her abuse and neglect. I had always believed until now that all of us would escape her warped universe and go on to be better parents and better people based on the fact that we were hurt so much.

Most of them grew up to be nearly as fucked up as she is. It's a sad, new reality for me, one that I never imagined.

What's been happening to me the last few months....I never saw this coming. What am I, some kindda maroon? How could I have never seen this coming?

1. My sister who is 4 years younger than me came to stay with me a few months ago because she was 9 months pregnant and living with a ratchet, nasty, filthy-house-keeping, child neglecting friend who only let her stay because my sister manipulated said ratchet friend into thinking said ratchet friend could adopt her baby. After 3 weeks at my house (a safe environment), my sister blew up on me because I pointed out her pill addiction and threatened to put her in rehab. After she ate all my food and spent all my money, she went right back to her ratchet friend. She was supposed to be coming back because she left all her kid's pictures and all her clothes. She had promised to buy me food with her ebt card because I was truly broke after putting her up and she left on the day her ebt card was replenished, leaving me to have to beg my boyfriend for help after he had done so much for my sister already. She went back to her ratchet friend's house and told everyone that I was a pill addict and she didn't owe me shit. I don't take pills. I smoke weed. WTF??? She talked about me so badly when she left, that I was in total shock when it got back to me. Now her newborn as well as her 3 year old have both been taken into county custody because my sister has been deemed (again) an unfit parent. She was forbidden by social workers to have her children around said ratchet friend because ratchet friend is a felon. But my sister wanted to be an addict more than a mother so they caught her with ratchet friend and took the kids. She had 5 other children taken away from her 12 years ago. They are still in foster care. 7 kids in county custody. smh I haven't gotten ONE call from her to this day.

2. My 19 year old sister called me crying because her boyfriend hit her. I ran to her rescue  and took her into my house only to find out that she was only using me to make her boyfriend think she would leave him. She left and went back to him without saying goodbye to me or anything at all. Just up and left. Never called me again. I found out later that she's a website prostitute. (facepalm) Holy Christ, kill me now!!! She doesn't want my help. I don't have a house full of drama and orgies. I don't have drugs here and I don't drink alcohol everyday. I'm some kindda loser, I guess. I actually feel more pity for her than anybody else because she's so young. But I can't force her to stay. By law, she is no longer a minor.

3. I took in a brother who didn't have anywhere to go. I quickly realized that he was NUTS!!! I had a few disagreements with him on a few topics and he lost his fucking mind and started screaming and insulting me. I had a bone to pick with him about how he talks to other players on playstation. I told him at least 15 times that I didn't want to hear him, literally in the next room, with no door, yelling "bitch, f*g, fuck, shit, bitch, f*g" all fucking day. The last time I said it, he lost his fucking mind, started screaming at me (in MY fucking house) and when I told him to GTFO, he threatened to call social security on me and tell them...I'm not even sure what he was going to tell them. To be fair, he was THE ONLY REMORSEFUL ONE. He apologized profusely and humbly, begged me not to hate him, acknowledged that he was behaving like our mother and then went to a therapy session that he plans to continue. He's alright with me. He had me at hello.

4. The other brother I let come and stay because he was sleeping in his car. He was opinionated, nasty, condescending and disrespectful to me so many times, just in conversation. He argued with the first brother, yelling and screaming at the top of his lungs (above my downstairs neighbor) and I told him to get out because he wouldn't stop yelling. He continued to yell and scream anyway and not leave. I got frustrated and pushed him towards the room I was letting him stay in so he could either start packing or STFU. He turned around and slammed me on the floor. I had a huge bruise on my arm for days. I forgave him because he half-ass apologized and I let him come back. A few weeks later, he's yelling and disrespecting me in my house again, slamming the door in my face (IN MY HOUSE), calling me names, intimidating and threatening me, etc. I told him 2 days later that I wanted him gone because I didn't trust him and I felt uncomfortable, intimidated, terrorized and abused in my own house. He went the fuck crazy. He screamed like a maniac, called me a whore, called me an atheist devil-worshiping bitch, broke a sliver of wood off my door slamming it in anger, he threatened to smash all the things in my house, called me bitches and hoes over and over and terrorized me with physical threats, walked toward me several times like he was gonna hit me. When I cried out of terror and fear, he mocked me. "Look at this dramatic hoe! Oh, boo-hoo-hoo, phony ass bitch! Fake tears!!! Boo hoo hoo!!!!!"

Word for word, this is how my mother treated me. She abused me, hit me, terrorized me, made me sob and then accused me of being "dramatic and phony". Classic abuser behavior. Oh, gawd help me. My other brother, the one who lives here permanently and is on social security for mental illness witnessed the entire thing and did nothing in my defense. I fled the house to get help from the police. Other brother stopped me at the door as I was leaving and said, "Are you serious about being scared of your own little brother? Boy, the men in your past must have really beaten you!".

No men in my past ever beat me, you asshole! This asshole brother mutherfucker is TERRORIZING ME and THREATENING TO HIT ME right in front of you! I had a talk with him later. "If you EVER let another man, brother or otherwise, terrorize me in OUR FUCKING HOUSE, your ass is going out the door with him, I don't give a fuck how sick you are! You aint too sick to deduct that some imagined past abuse in my life is making me OVERREACT to our goddamn brother acting a damn fool in OUR HOUSE!!! You had better grow up and be a man or else I'm gonna cut you out of my life forever and I don't give a fuck. Let another woman be terrorized by another man in your presence again and see what happens, you half raised, woman-hating jackass!"

5. Ironically, I had to hold the sick brother back from beating the asses of BOTH brothers (and I told them both to leave) a few weeks ago. When he's being insulted and threatened, he wants to open a can of whoop ass. When it's happening to ME, he stands there in the kitchen and continues to cook fried eggs like nothing's happening. FUCK THAT! I'm moving out of my house in the summer and I'm going to work at an amusement park that will put me up for the summer so I can save money and move to another state. I have been taking care of him for nearly 3 years and now it's time for him to move on and live by himself. I have done too much to save his homeless ass for him to just stand there while terrorizing brother is scaring me to death. I have done too much for him for him to act ungrateful every time he gets mad at me for telling him to clean up after himself and stop destroying my house with his laziness and neglect and disrespect. He's not functionally physically disabled, he was just raised in a filthy, chaotic house and I'm sick of his shit. Every time I point this out he's like; "Call social security and switch (payee) over to somebody else then?!" Like whom, jackass! Nobody wants to be bothered with you and that's how the fuck I got involved! I have saved your ass from a crack hotel, got your medical shit together for you, got you an ebt card and basically "pimped" your whole life better than Xibit EVER pimped anybody's ride! I fixed YOUR LIFE at the dteriment of my own peace of mind and now you wanna be that kind of asshole?!

The terrorizing brother left my house (all this went down just 5 days ago) before I could get back with the cops. I don't give a fuck how cold it is outside. Take your mommy issues and go fuck yourself, brother. I think he left because I informed him that my son was PISSED OFF and he was COMING.

I was expecting terrorizing brother to come back to retaliate. I picked up my son from the Greyhound station, both of us fully expecting to have to confront his uncle about terrorizing and abusing his mother. But my terrorizing brother is a punk ass bitch (as we say in the hood). He didn't want any of my son or my boyfriend who also wanted me to tell him exactly when my brother left the house so he could catch him on the street and teach him the meaning of bullying. My boyfriend is 5'11", 215 lbs and he works out like a maniac everyday. My terrorizing brother is 5'11" and about a good 150 lbs soaking wet. For the record, I am 5'1" and 125 lbs. A VERY small woman. My brother was smart to leave. He was about to get hulk smashed by two big men who love this little woman.

The fact that I had to call my boyfriend for help to save me from my brother when it's usually the other way around for most people was disheartening and hopeful at the same time. I can choose my friends and I have obviously chosen well. Family...not so much. The fact that I had to call my son to straighten his uncle out and not the other way around is the same. My son doesn't hate me like we do our own mother. I raised my son (and daughter) with no abuse, neglect or violence. But it is disheartening to know that my mother ruined these kids so much that they have no concept of motherly love and respect. To quote my son's exact words; "Did he forget that you have a Son?!!!" In other words, "Does he know that people will fuck you up about terrorizing and abusing their MOTHERS?!!". Terrorizing brother had the nerve to point out that he was his UNCLE (woooooo!) and that they had grown up together. Yeah, that's because I used to have 3 brothers (him included) staying at my house every summer when they were kids. My son doesn't GIVE A FUCK about an uncle who played with him when they were kids over his own mother. My son is not Little Boo anymore. He is a MAN now and he's COMING FOR YOU!!!

My son didn't even get all amped and hyped up about it. He didn't curse or threaten, he never raised his voice as I was telling him what went down. I didn't even ask him to come. It was his idea. He never threatened to beat anybody up or be violent. I would never want my son to do that and get himself hurt. But some things, you can't stop your kids from doing. He's my good guy hero. He never had to even look at my brother. Like I said, the punk ass bitch left when he knew my son was on his way.

I just wanted to vent a little about this. He hasn't been back except to get his bag of clothes. I will never see my brother again. I will never deal with two of my three sisters AGAIN.

This is sad but cleansing. I used to be so worried about them. For many years, I wished to know their whereabouts and whether or not they needed me. I felt tremendous guilt for keeping to myself. Now my heart feels....liberated?

I feel SO SO SOOOOOOO bad for what we have all been through but I never knew they'd grow up to be devil spawn and now I kindda dislike or even HATE a few of them. I feel that I can open the prison door of guilt and abandonment issues and not give a shit. But then I feel terrible for them still. Wow. Talk about mixed emotions. I'm free to not give a shit but then I feel almost callous and ignorant for being that way. Self preservation wins the day.

And I haven't been immune. I have terrorized, hit and insulted my best friend/boyfriend a few times and he came really close to never speaking to me again. I didn't understand. I thought his strange addiction and the hell that it has put me through gave me the right to retaliate on him that way. I had to look at myself in the mirror and see who I was. I'm lucky that he has forgiven me over and over. Oh, my dear, my forever love, my best friend for life....I am so sorry. I've been a monster.

In conclusion, victims of child abuse are not okay sometimes. It takes years of therapy and un-learning bad behaviors to really bring you out of the raging storm of
your own misplaced anger and rage. For a long time, you won't even understand yourself. I have coped with my issues in so many ways, some healthy and some not so healthy. Music really helps me. It takes me out of my own head for a while. The day both my brothers ganged up on me, the remorseful brother heard me playing this song:

Woman I can hardly express,
My mixed emotions at my thoughtlessness,
After all I'm forever in your debt,
And woman I will try express,
My inner feelings and thankfullness,
For showing me the meaning of success,
oooh well, well,
oooh well, well,

Woman I know you understand
The little child inside the man,
Please remember my life is in your hands,
And woman hold me close to your heart,
However, distant don't keep us apart,
After all it is written in the stars,
oooh well, well,
oooh well, well,

Woman please let me explain,
I never mean(t) to cause you sorrow or pain,
So let me tell you again and again and again,
I love you (yeah, yeah) now and forever,
I love you (yeah, yeah) now and forever,
I love you (yeah, yeah) now and forever,
I love you (yeah, yeah)....

I play this song and imagine that all my brothers and sisters who hurt me are singing this to me, begging for forgiveness. Remorseful brother got it right away because he was eavesdropping on me, crying to this song and he remembered that I never deserved this disrespect. I took care of terrorizing brother and remorseful brother when they were babies while my mother was at the bar getting drunk. I took care of them all when they were too little to do anything for themselves. I did the best I could, being a child myself. I am black Fiona Gallagher. Perhaps one day the rest of them will remember and feel bad for me like I feel for them. Only time will tell. For now, "Shameless" is all I have to relate to.

In the meantime, I get lost in the rock and roll of an old Dobie Gray song and drift away. That's all I can do. Wait, escape and hope.

Thanks for listening. :-)

As I was editing and finishing this diary, terrorizing brother had the nerve to call my phone and ask to speak to remorseful brother. I said; "He's not here." and the little bastard hung up the phone. Seriously, fuck him. Until he learns to deal with his goddamn mommy issues, I'm not ever answering my mutherfucking phone for him again. I don't know why I did it in the first place. If these goddamn little hellspawn bastards don't do something about their mommy issues and make things up to me that they have done to me, I'll die without ever speaking another word to them. Tough fucking love, assholes! I've never done one fucking thing to any of you!
And I'm spent. For real this time.

Originally posted to GenXangster on Tue Jan 21, 2014 at 01:12 PM PST.

Also republished by Black Kos community and Community Spotlight.

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Comment Preferences

  •  Sorry all of this was dumped on (23+ / 0-)

    you, I wish I could think of something more profound but I cannot.

    My guess is that you are a pretty awesome person and a survivor. One sucky thing about being considered a "strong" woman or a "survivor" as I have found out in my personal life is that when unpleasant and horrible things happen everybody just assumes you are ok without really asking.

    Great writing.

    •  Bingo! (14+ / 0-)

      I'm nobody's rock. I am not a pillar of strength for them to scratch their angry claws on. They have no right misdirect their anger at me and I am not obligated to console people about their abusive childhoods, especially when I have been through it more years than any of them as the eldest.

      They think I have no baggage, no hang ups, no damage. They don't know how sensitive and intolerant I am to dysfunctional bullshit.

      To quote Kevin Hart's dad "You gon learn TODAY!"

      I love them but "up with this bullshit, I vill not put!"

      and thank you. :-)

      "It's not enough to acknowledge privilege. You have to resist." -soothsayer

      by GenXangster on Tue Jan 21, 2014 at 01:47:03 PM PST

      [ Parent ]

      •  Rec'd And Tipped. (0+ / 0-)

        My Mother used to always say what you said. "You can choose your friends, but not your relatives."

        Wow 11 kids. You're the eldest.

        That's rough to begin with. Especially without a lot of money? It's no wonder your Mother drank. Really. Not that it helps. I have one and swore I would never do that again. Back in the 70's when natural childbirth was very popular. (yeah, with the doctors).

        I'm 5ft 1 and 1/2. I also, resent when people threaten me just because I'm little and they think I'll be scared.

        I'm half Irish and I never knew how to be scared.

        Well, scared of some things obviously.

        But actually, fear is a primal warning signal and we should learn to pay attention to it.

        Try to get as far away from the abusive brother as possible. Guessing he drinks etc.

        You are a very good person.

        Raised all those kids and they don't treat you right?

        You're totally correct, you've done enough for them already.

        There are a lot of social programs that can help them.

        You're Brother can become his own rep payee.

        Or there are others who can be his rep payee, they charge a small fee. Contact Social Security or check the links to see about how to change your Brother's rep payee.

        Just The Links Man ♥New And More Social Services Links For Civilians And Veterans♥

        They're old enough unless someone was seriously trying to hurt them, to take care of themselves. Even at 19 no one is dumb.

        And the abusive brother, he should stay gone. I wouldn't trust a temper like that. Besides who needs the hassle.

        I have a cousin like that. a little hellspawn bastard
        Some people are just crazy, no cure.

        I wouldn't have put up with any of them, would never let them in my houe. You are a very kind person.

        All The Best, GenXangster. I look forward to reading more of your diaries.

        Vent all you want. I know lots of crazy people like your relatives. I'm from (Hudson County NJ. Bayonne, Jersey City, Newark, etc.)  

        My hometown, Bayonne has lots of crazies and a one time had, a bar on every corner. Still has too many as far as I'm concerned. I've seen it all.

        Here, have some Bob Marley. You'll feel better.

        Brought To You By That Crazed Sociologist/Media Fanatic rebel ga Be The Change You Want To See In The World! Gandhi

        by rebel ga on Wed Jan 22, 2014 at 06:37:07 PM PST

        [ Parent ]

    •  And assume you can "take it". (3+ / 0-)

      It is amazing to see abusive people turn on you when you have only been there for them. I recently had a 50+ year friendship end due to my friend's inability to accept responsibility for her own abusive behavior towards her son. It is a long boring story but the jest of it is she could not unleash on her son (at his wedding) her feelings so she turned on me.

      No recovery there just move on is my motto.

  •  In psych 101 they said 'modeling' (13+ / 0-)

    is one of the strongest mental things we do- we model our behavior on our parents'.

    It's hard to override, and they're not even trying and you've done all you could, my god most people wouldn't have done half what you have for them.

  •  (((((Sis GenX)))))) (20+ / 0-)

    thank you - and glad you drifted over here to share.

    "If you're in a coalition and you're comfortable, you know it's not a broad enough coalition." Dr. Bernice Johnson Reagon

    by Denise Oliver Velez on Tue Jan 21, 2014 at 01:55:49 PM PST

    •  Me too! (12+ / 0-)

      You know, I actually feel like a dick. lol I wish I could be a nicer person. Jesus would have forgiven them and been so sweet and nice that they would be healed. They'd all be around him like apostles. He wouldn't have to evict them.

      But me? I'm like; go straight to hell and die, you twisted little sociopaths. Use your inside voice or your asses will be outside. If you hit me again, your gonna feel physical pain. I don't give A fuck what your mother did to you, you'd better respect me and my house because I had my childhood robbed of freedom because I had to be a nanny to you fatherless bastards and your mother was a drunk who would have left you in dirty diapers and starving. I didn't leave you and run the streets at age 12,13,14, etc, I didn't abuse you, I fed you and I ruled over you like a mother because you needed it and because I loved you. When you were a kid, you spent every summer at my house because you wanted to be there. At my house, there was nothing but good times and fun. I didn't need 3 of you to babysit my son when I worked at night, I wanted you there because my mother's house was a hellhole and you loved being at mine, you ungrateful, amnesiac bastards!

      Just look at how my son loves and respects me! Do you really think I care what you think of me and what bullshit you invent about me? None of your opinions mean anything, only my son and daughter who are NOTHING like you because they were raised nothing like YOU!

      Go somewhere and fuck yourself and never speak to me again unless you get some help and apologize to me for everything you've done or I'll see you in hell because I sure won't be at your damn funeral.

      Jesus would never say things like that. lol I'm sorry Jesus, but I hold grudges against extremely abusive people. I've only had to cut my family out of my life. I find that disturbing. We just might be some of the worst people ever. lol As long as I don't hurt people, I'm not worried about coming from the most dysfunctional family in the midwest. I see where I have been fortunate enough to stay afloat. My raft is not that sturdy. If they try to pull me down with them, I will kick them in the face and let them drown. That's what kind of person I am. I just have to accept it. ;-)

      "It's not enough to acknowledge privilege. You have to resist." -soothsayer

      by GenXangster on Tue Jan 21, 2014 at 05:43:20 PM PST

      [ Parent ]

      •  God may forgive them. (10+ / 0-)

        You aren't God, and you don't have to be. You did your best to take care of them when they were children. They're adults now. You have children of your own, and a boyfriend, and yourself to take care of. You have every right to set yourself and your own children first in your priorities. You have every right to reject your abusive siblings. If you can keep the door open to those who haven't abused you, that's plenty. Any time you need to vent we're here at the GOS.

        Cogito, ergo Democrata.

        by Ahianne on Tue Jan 21, 2014 at 07:15:58 PM PST

        [ Parent ]

      •  You are the classic victim of abuse. As angry as (2+ / 0-)
        Recommended by:
        GenXangster, RiveroftheWest

        you are, I keep hearing you express your own regrets as though this were somehow your fault.  You are on the right track and you haven't done anything to hurt any of them.  In their condition being confronted is the absolute best, and believe it or not, loving thing you could have done.

        I thought I had suffered abuse as a child, and I did to some extent, although my parent was extremely conflicted, fighting her own demons while trying to teach me right from wrong - in all the wrong ways.  You would think that teaching a child right from wrong would be nothing but positive.  Depends.  Second guessing my every action and thought has made me an anxious, sometimes nasty wounded animal.  That's what you call parental overkill.  

        I thought "August: Osage County" captured the epitome of familial abuse, but I hadn't read your diary yet.  I could have just read the diary and saved the ticket money.

        Bless you, kid.  You are a MUCH better person than you realize, and all the more so for what you have had to fight through.  Take care of yourself.  I'll be thinking about you often.  

        Ted Cruz president? Pardon my Vietnamese, but Ngo Pho King Way.

        by ZedMont on Wed Jan 22, 2014 at 06:35:29 AM PST

        [ Parent ]

        •  I have a hard time (5+ / 0-)

          accepting that I'm a victim but it's easier to see today than it was when it was actually happening. I didn't begin to suffer from depression until I was 22 so my entire childhood outlook and attitude was different and more resilient. I was stronger.

          Instead of crying myself to sleep, I shook my head disapprovingly at my mother and grabbed the kids, "Come on, kids, this woman is pathetic. I'll do her job if she won't. Stupid drunk bitch." I was gonna grow up and make something of myself, kick her ass and take all her kids away. I was 100% lucid and level headed about the entire thing. My anger was directed at the deserving person and I never let her get in my head and make me believe anything but that she was fucked up and I was gonna make her regret it one day by being successful. I had my breaking points when I used to be reduced to tears but they were rare. I quietly hated her and it felt good and right.

          I almost lost sight of that when I started suffering depression symptoms. Regrets and guilt started to surface.

          Whether it has to do with depression or not, being abused and hurt never gets easier. With every blow, you lose a little bit of strength and tolerance because nobody is made of iron. I have held on to a remarkable amount of stability and sanity but it is still in danger of being chipped away and I can't risk that. Nothing is more important than peace of mind and the goal of surrounding myself with people who are decent so that I can minimize the chances of dysfunctional people disrupting my life again.

          Thank you for your kind words, too. :-)

          "It's not enough to acknowledge privilege. You have to resist." -soothsayer

          by GenXangster on Wed Jan 22, 2014 at 09:28:08 AM PST

          [ Parent ]

          •  It all sounds like PTSD to me (1+ / 0-)
            Recommended by:
            RiveroftheWest

            As another child of abuse of all kinds it took me a long time to admit I had ptsd and only I could change my interactions with family. At 60 I am just now allowing a few my others email address, but none my address. I wish you luck.
             In the book " A Road Less Traveled " it  begins by saying Life is not fair and once we accept that it gets easier". I always expected people to act fair for some unknown answer. It was a hard lesson to learn. I have come to live my life by that old saying " burn me once, shame on you, burn me twice, shame on me ".

            "the government's role should be to uplift, enlighten, educate and ennoble the citizen, not oppress them with taxation and intrusive laws," Gatewood Galbraith, Historic Marijuana Advocate, aka "The Last Free Man In America," RIP 1-3-12

            by SmileySam on Wed Jan 22, 2014 at 02:21:36 PM PST

            [ Parent ]

          •  You are a good, strong person (0+ / 0-)

            and have acted admirably to the best of your ability. You've done your best to help your siblings. It's terribly sad that, right now at least, they're mostly beyond being helped, but it's not your fault.

            Good luck to you; stay strong.

      •  so sorry to hear about the family troubles (2+ / 0-)
        Recommended by:
        gramofsam1, GenXangster

        when you said you were going through some shit, this is NOT what I pictured.

        Cut yourself some slack. You're trying to to right by your family. But there's a big difference between "helping" and "getting walked all over." Don't feel bad for noticing it.

        And as far as we know, Jesus was an only child so who knows how he'd react? and btw, that's a hell of a measuring stick.

        Reforms come from below. No man with four aces howls for a new deal.
        Keystone XL will raise gas prices!

        by Turbonerd on Wed Jan 22, 2014 at 07:53:47 AM PST

        [ Parent ]

  •  In no way is my situation comparable (16+ / 0-)

    and it is terrible that you've had to endure all of this. It is particularly relevant to me right now, since a week and a half ago my oldest daughter lost her damned mind and assaulted me, biting, hitting, and kicking. My parents are horrified that she might lose her scholarship, and surely I must have done something to 'deserve' it.

    Really messed up logic, I think.

    Anyone who scoffs at happiness needs to take their soul back to the factory and demand a better one. -driftglass

    by postmodernista on Tue Jan 21, 2014 at 02:03:57 PM PST

  •  childhood abuse goes deep (14+ / 0-)

    And can take a lifetime (or more) to overcome. You are blessed and fortunate to have overcome yourself.  Best to limit your involvement with the siblings lest they drag you down with them.

    •  Amen. (9+ / 0-)

      I'm sorry for them but I have my own kids to think about.

      "It's not enough to acknowledge privilege. You have to resist." -soothsayer

      by GenXangster on Tue Jan 21, 2014 at 02:17:56 PM PST

      [ Parent ]

      •  So right, you have your kids to think about. (2+ / 0-)
        Recommended by:
        swampyankee, gramofsam1

        When there's abuse and it's multigenerational suffering in a family, our first loyalty has to be to the next generation. The first responsibility is to stop the passing on of violence and damage.  I hope the fact that you've done that gives you a rock-solid sense of accomplishment and of having made the most essential choices, and made them rightly.

        I also want to say from my experience with abused  children in the extended family, that I don't believe you can pull another person out of that wilderness by yourself.  You can do a lot, you can give things that really matter (love and respect above all), but you can't do it by yourself.  There have to be other influences.  Maybe the brother who apologized, who's gotten a therapist, has found one of those other influences.  Other times it may be seemingly slight: a kind neighbor who offers some shelter, a teacher in the third grade, even a public figure who becomes a role model. There have to be other influences, and you can't control whether that happens or not.

        I'm sure you'll continue to feel regret over your siblings.  You're a caring person, and you mothered them. You'll feel regret.  BUt I hope you get free of guilt.  You reached out, you gave, you pushed yourself hard.  Let go of guilt, over and over, until you're really free of that burden, because you don't deserve it.  From one surrogate mother of damaged children to another, blessings and peace.

        --------------------- “These are troubling times. Corporation are treated like people. People are treated like things. …And if we ever needed to vote, we sure do need to vote now.” -- Rev. Dr. William J. Barber

        by Fiona West on Wed Jan 22, 2014 at 02:12:21 PM PST

        [ Parent ]

  •  hugs and more hugs. (9+ / 0-)

    Conservatism is killing this country. Jayden

    by swampyankee on Tue Jan 21, 2014 at 02:18:34 PM PST

  •  Righteous rant (7+ / 0-)

    I'm sorry you're going through all this. FWIW, there is a relatively new subreddit, r/raisedbynarcissists. It's highly civilized by Reddit standards and has some great links and discussions. Worth a look!

    Music is also my preferred therapy. Here's one of my favorites.

    Announcing the grand opening of my Etsy shop, Little Lotte Studio featuring hand-dyed textiles and custom beaded jewelry. Please stop by!

    by SteelerGrrl on Tue Jan 21, 2014 at 03:26:06 PM PST

  •  Aji can't get here (10+ / 0-)

    but she saw your diary and asked to have someone pass on a hug from her.

    {{{{{{{{{GenXangster}}}}}}}}}

    And here's one from me, who spent the better part of 15 years in an abusive relationship

    {{{{{{{{{GenXangster}}}}}}}}}

  •  {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{GenX}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} (6+ / 0-)

    I am so so sorry.  You don't deserve any of this pain in your life.  

    Let me know if I can help in any way.

    Love Africa? Love Opera? Love documentaries? Then you will love the The Tenor from Abidjan

    by shanikka on Tue Jan 21, 2014 at 04:41:04 PM PST

  •  (((((((((GenXangster))))))))))) (9+ / 0-)

    Also here because Aji pointed out your diary....

    Never feel bad about taking care of yourself, even if it means cutting off abusive siblings. It's sad that they don't have your self awareness, but you can't fix them. They have to do that for themselves, and bottom out in their own way.

    I just had to cut off a friend who refused to stop drinking so much that he was becoming more and more mentally unstable. When he then got disrespectful towards me last week, I had had enough and I cut off contact with him. I wonder how he is but don't feel bad about it even though I know that when he bottoms out it's going to be really ugly for him. His bottom is very deep apparently.

    I have had people remind me of what the flight stewards do before the plane takes off -  they show you the oxygen mask that drops down when the air pressure goes too low and then say that even if you have children next to you you have to put it on yourself first.

    I grew up with a verbally abusive, rageaholic father, not like your mom, but it was bad enough to have produced my sister, who functions but is a toxic narcissist. I cut off contact with her a few years ago even though she was my only family because of the evil things she did to me after I cared for my mother when she was dying of cancer. Never once looked back...it's a relief not to be around her to tell you the truth. People think it's weird, but you have to do what you have to do to save yourself.

    So, take care of yourself, and don't worry if that means cutting off your brothers and sisters. They will find somebody else to take advantage of and abuse, and at least it won't be you.

    We have an anti-gun violence program in my town and the director told me that one of their guiding ideas is: hurt people hurt people. Amen to that!

    Helping a food pantry on the Cheyenne River Reservation,Okiciyap.

    by betson08 on Tue Jan 21, 2014 at 07:00:48 PM PST

    •  "People think it's weird..." (1+ / 0-)
      Recommended by:
      gramofsam1

      I envy those people who think it's weird to be relieved to get away from abusive parents, even in death. I'm glad that they don't know what it's like to feel that way.

      I think those of us in this situation that are capable of feeling this relief are the ones most likely to overcome and thrive.

      "It's not enough to acknowledge privilege. You have to resist." -soothsayer

      by GenXangster on Wed Jan 22, 2014 at 09:35:08 AM PST

      [ Parent ]

    •  self care and modeling (0+ / 0-)

      I wish I could tip the oxygen mask thing into infinity. It's hard but taking care of yourself is one way of modeling functional behavior.

  •  Hugs from a lucky one (3+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:
    betson08, gramofsam1, GenXangster

    My parents were far from perfect, but I managed okay. I have one brother, and he is honest and reliable. I see plenty of dysfunctional families - have some cousins with terrible issues, so I appreciate my good luck. My son has no siblings, but I have tried to raise him to know we are family and love and support each other.
    So, hugs and more hugs to you.

    The words of House Republican: We do not care.

    by Chun Yang on Tue Jan 21, 2014 at 07:03:26 PM PST

    •  Hugs, lucky one! (1+ / 0-)
      Recommended by:
      gramofsam1

      One thing that has always lifted my spirits is knowing that so many other kids had a great childhood.

      My son is 21 now but he recently told me that he looks fondly back to his childhood memories. I took him so many places as a kid and we had so much fun that it's all a blur of amusement parks, ice skating, movies, go cart rides and zoo animals and circuses to him. We had some tough times and I was not so perfect because I was very young then but he basically told me that he wishes he could relive it all over again.

      Observing functional and relatively happy families (even the fictional ones) taught me a lot about how to treat my own kids.

      "It's not enough to acknowledge privilege. You have to resist." -soothsayer

      by GenXangster on Wed Jan 22, 2014 at 09:46:55 AM PST

      [ Parent ]

  •  I relate - a little (4+ / 0-)

    You dear GenXangster - have survived much more than I. Your clarity in your venting is good stuff.  

    Abuse is abuse is abuse is abuse.  The emotional and mental abuse scars the soul if there's been no physical abuse. Physical abuse scars the whole person.  At 62 years old I am waking up to the emotional and mental abuse I have dealt with for years (from a narcissistic mother.) It was subtle to keep me in line, but I'm working on breaking the bonds of enmeshment.  

    {{{{{{{{{GenXangster}}}}}}}}}}}}

     

    •  Hugs, BeadLady (0+ / 0-)

      Keep working at it. Life is worth it. Not just any kind of life, everybody deserves inner peace, even if they have to work like hell to get it.

      "It's not enough to acknowledge privilege. You have to resist." -soothsayer

      by GenXangster on Wed Jan 22, 2014 at 09:50:31 AM PST

      [ Parent ]

  •  I have a simple rule. People (10+ / 0-)

    in my life have to behave. They can believe anything they want but when you do not behave you are gone. I also come from a crazy family. I do not play any of the family games and there are a few I have broken diplomatic relations with. One thing I noticed when I brought that rule in my like is that it got a lot more peaceful real quick. Also the word gets out and people are more careful around me. For me the issue is always behavior.

    Join the War on Thinking. Watch Fox News- John Lucas

    by Jlukes on Tue Jan 21, 2014 at 07:46:07 PM PST

  •  GenX--So very sorry your fam of origin (4+ / 0-)

    was such a big source of pain. But you are right: you have made things different for your own children. That is huge! And you and all your chosen family are worth protecting and nurturing.
    One of my oldest friends came from a seriously messed-up family, and she spent years in fosterage. She has accomplished a helluva lot despite having no family support whatsoever, so the two of you are similar in that regard. :) But now, approaching 60, she is only beginning to deal with how it feels to have been neglected and abandoned. It sounds like you are a bit ahead of that. Sometimes saying NO MORE is just what you have to do.
    More power to you, GenX, to take care of YOURSELF. You are worth it! Hugggs!

    Support Small Business: Shop Kos Katalogue If you'd like to join the Motor City Kossacks, send me a Kosmail.

    by peregrine kate on Tue Jan 21, 2014 at 09:00:06 PM PST

    •  No more, indeed. (3+ / 0-)

      I actually had plenty of years when I didn't know where any of them were or how to contact them. I had a hunch somewhere in my brain that perhaps I couldn't deal with them. I didn't know what kind of people they were anymore. But I worried. I decided to make peace with that and try to be active in helping them but then, oh hell, I was right all along and my instincts were spot on. Stay. away. from. them. they. are. not. okay. is basically the conclusion I've come to and I'm very much at peace with that now.

      I'm sure your friend will overcome, too. It takes a lifetime for some of us. I know I probably have a lot more work to do but I feel my original state of mind restored. "I don't know what's wrong with you people but I'm leaving!". I have always been that way and I started to lose that recently. Never again. Thank you. :-)

      "It's not enough to acknowledge privilege. You have to resist." -soothsayer

      by GenXangster on Wed Jan 22, 2014 at 10:08:07 AM PST

      [ Parent ]

  •  My heart hurts reading this (3+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:
    kat68, gramofsam1, GenXangster

    But I'm so glad you posted this. You're right, we can't choose our family.

    Time is of no account with great thoughts, which are as fresh to-day as when they first passed through their authors' minds ages ago. - Samuel Smiles

    by moviemeister76 on Wed Jan 22, 2014 at 01:23:36 AM PST

  •  {{{{{{{{{genxangster}}}}}}}}}} (1+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:
    GenXangster

    you'll be okay, girl... you;ll be okay.

    just take care of you!

    EdriesShop Is it kind? is it true? is it necessary?

    by edrie on Wed Jan 22, 2014 at 02:27:30 AM PST

  •  Rant on! It purges the poison. (1+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:
    GenXangster

    I've seen this movie too.

    It's hard to stop trying to be the mother to your siblings that you and they didn't have.

    Save yourself, at least for your son's sake.

    I think the sooner you leave it all behind - every bit of it - the better.

    Move away ( not so easy ), change your phone number, and leave no forwarding address, or as little as possible ( get a PO box ).

    Good luck!


    The Fail will continue until actual torches and pitchforks are set in motion. - Pangolin@kunstler.com

    by No one gets out alive on Wed Jan 22, 2014 at 06:48:16 AM PST

  •  Seen My Diaries On Aggression And Hatred? (1+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:
    GenXangster

    The most recent was Borderline Personality Disorder: Heroic Martyr or Emotional Vampire?

    And some families just have a genetic problem. My neighbors had six kids and a schizoid father.  Three kids became outstanding people despite the fractured family, two went into drug and sex addiction and died, one was an addict and recovered.   The genetic 50:50 split among the kids who got the good or the bad gene was obvious.

    Men are so necessarily mad, that not to be mad would amount to another form of madness. -Pascal

    by bernardpliers on Wed Jan 22, 2014 at 07:01:18 AM PST

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