They're pretty simple. If you can't helpful or kind, begone. If you wouldn't dare say it in front of my husband, don't say it here. I really don't care to hear how you would handled it (since you have never had exactly the same incredibly complex situation I am in, you are speaking from ignorance. I am not going into it here; it's deeply personal--but I have a couple of diaries called Witch Hunts that might help. There's also one called "My MiL Broke My Heart Today" which pretty much sums up some of the dysfunctional family my husband had. The issues go way beyond open heart surgery and diabetes and there are numerous stressors that are, frankly, nobody's business but ours. And contrary to some people's beliefs, it is a double standard when Southerners are permitted to be ppallingly rude about the liberal but someone who is unhappy with the prevailing culture--usually the same problems liberals have with right-wing politics--are regarded as horrible if they express the slightest criticism of the area.
One more time: I AM NOT YELLING AT THE STAFF. I AM NOT YELLING AT MY IN-LAWS. I vent here so I don't say it there when the frustration build up to critical mass. According to the two therapists (Psychologists, not psychiatrists) I leaned during two wretched ly long deployments during both sets of Republican wars, it is an entirely reasonable reaction to the situation and a healthy coping mechanism. I finsally learned that I didn't have to be perfect.
Once again, if it isn't supportive ir kind (PRACTICAL info is good; lectures on my "meanness" are not.
Ben is up. I talked to him. I am told he us doing well. We were told yesterday he'd be unconscious most of today, so I opted to stay home, actually SLEEP and eat two actual meals, and comfort my confused, unhappy kitties.
I needed a break from MiL because while she is helpful and practical ways, her attitude would, to use an old line from David Steinberg from the 60s, drive Dylan Thomas to drugs. It is cultural conflict at its most annoying. I am praying I can convince her that her "let the past go" is not the sort of advice someone with PSTD and who had an abusive father and who spent his teen years defending her and hsi siblings from him, needs to hear. They need to process the pain, not sweep it under the rug. MiL handles most unpleasantness that way or goes passive aggressive when issues come up. Ben already tried to explain to her that the stressors that landed him in open heart surgery go back years and have deep roots and some of them come from his childhood and he is not gonna pretend it never happened. I have my suspicions as to why she does this, but when things are better, I will discuss it with him.
I also needed to not deal with Comfort Nurse because if I can only see him for 5 minutes an hour and I have to put up with her, and he wasn't supposed to be out of the heavy sedation till tomorrow and would be unconscious (she was fucking wrong as it turns out), cost/benefit analysis said having to deal with MiL and her made it pointless. Tomorrow I will see him. But I got to hear him say "I love you" over the phone which I needed to hear. He's apparently off the ventilator and the naso-gastric tube, With luck he'll be moved to the far more welcoming, and I will be able to spend time with him actually Being Present.
I have actually eaten and gotten more than 5 hours of broken sleep. I am in better shape. I can probably be much kinder after sufficient rest and foodm and can manage to be pleasant even when people are being unintentionally unhelpful. Ben had already told her three times that her advice to pretend nothing ever happened was not useful, and if I have to remind her of that if she brings it up again, I will, as kindly and nicely as possible. I can only hope she gets the message. I will only say that it is a remarkably dysfunctional family with MlL at 3 divorces, Elder SiL at 4 the last one came after less than 6 months of marriage to a guy she had been dating for at least 8 years), baby sis at 2. I owuld be inclined to deduce from that evidence that that advice uisn't working too well.
I am alive and okay and he told me he loves me. We'll take the rest day day and we will discuss the other crap when he can handle it. But I really want a long break from family after he's a lot better. I want couple time and I want out of here to reduce two major stressors.
He loves me, and he could talk. That's the important thing.