Thank you, Donald.
The Donald running for president? A dream gift to Jon Stewart as he enters his final six weeks as the host of The Daily Show. After discussing the other candidates, Jon finally made it to The Donald's announcement. Partial transcript and video below (full transcript available below the fold):
(clip of Trump's daughter introducing him as he comes down an escalator)
I'm just really happy right now. A billionaire vanity candidate...taking the escalator to the White House! Hey, only losers walk. Presidents take Stair Force One. What an entrance! An escalator down. I haven't seen an entrance that majestic since my friend met me at The Gap after grabbing an Orange Julius. Wow! Come on! Let's dance clown stick!
(clip of Trump announcing he'll run, making motion to staff to cut off the music)
The guy scored his own presidential announcement! Hey, hey, hey, I'm gonna run for president. Kyle, in the sound booth....Neil Young me. Yeah. Eh, rocking in the..ok, cut. Done. And what followed was over half an hour of the most ridiculous jibber jabber ever to pour forth from the mouth of a bat shit billionaire.
(clips of Trump making ridiculous statements, calling our leaders "stupid" and "losers", saying Mexican immigrants are "bringing drugs, they're rapists and some are probably good people.")
I'm saying benefit of the doubt, eh? They can't all be rapists, it's not probable. This guy disrespected our neighbors at his announcement. You're a bunch of drug dealers and rapists...no disrespect. He's amazing! America's id is running for president! Trump is the part of your brain at 3 AM that's going "let's go take a shit in a mailbox. Come on, who's gonna know?"
Now, every candidate uses their announcement speech to reel off a litany of values that define them. So did The Donald.
(clip of Trump saying "I'm really rich. I've done an amazing job." Bragging about all of his real estate properties, naming them, ending with "I just sold an apartment for $15 million to somebody from China!")
(Stewart mocking Trump) Hey! $15 million to a Chinese guy? Who's better than me? Hey, Kyle—Neil Young me—boom! This speech....was so fucked up that in the middle of it, all the liquid in his body tried to escape through the corner of his mouth! Thank you, Donald. Thank you, Donald Trump for making my last six weeks, my best six weeks. (crowd boos) No! He is putting me in some kind of comedy hospice. Where all I'm getting is just straight morphine. Well, obviously with such a stunning announcement, we have full team coverage. We're going to go out first to Jordan Klepper, live from Trump's headquarters.
(staff coverage bits)
Watch the segment here, full segment transcript is below the fold:
I can't even. I'm busting, Jerry! I'm busting! Like many of you, I heard some interesting, let's call it news, about a certain, let's say gift from heaven, entering the presidential race. Because apparently Huckabee-Santorum wasn't far-fetched enough. I've got to tell you, the world right now is (makes head exploding motion) whites are black, Trump's running for president....like, does gravity still work?
As a parent, I know all too well, we have to have something nutritional before dessert, so....ahh....if you will just bear with me, we can knock this spinach out and stick our naked asses in a Golden Corral chocolate fountain real soon.
So, Saturday! First rally, Clinton. (clip of Hillary Clinton's speech on Roosevelt Island)
Yes, yes, yes..wonderful to be with you too. Pick up the pace! There's a crazy person running for president!
(another clip of Hillary Clinton's speech where she uses a Beatles Yesterday analogy)
You're killing me! Hillary, I mean this in the nicest way possible, let it be. Listen, so, dig it—who's next?!
(clip of Jeb Bush announcing he'll run for president, Jeb says "woo")
Woo? You running for president is "woo?" It's not even close to woo. I've got a woo in my back pocket that we're going to talk about later. You? You're more like this guy, emoticon guy. Meh. Shruggy guy. Does that guy have a name? That guy's name is probably Jeb Bush. Alright, why you, Jeb Bush?
(clip of Jeb Bush saying "the presidency should not be passed on from one liberal to the next.")
No! It should be passed down, from one family member to the next! Like a precious heirloom you store for safe-keeping in a glass case in papa's garage at Kennebunkport, next to his pile of butler skeletons. Are you don't yet?
(clip of Jeb Bush saying "in this country of ours, the most improbable things can happen.")
I know and we're trying to get to him. But, you won't shut up because you're the plausible candidate with the giant war chest who could possibly be president.
(clip of Jeb Bush saying "in this country of ours, the most improbable things can happen. Take that from a guy who met his first president on the day he was born and his second on the day he was brought home from the hospital.")
Yes, only in America could a man be born the son of one leader and the brother of another. Or Saudi Arabia. Or Westeros. Anywhere with a hereditary monarchy. Did. Not. Eat. My. Dessert.
(clip of Trump's daughter introducing him as he comes down an escalator)
I'm just really happy right now. A billionaire vanity candidate...taking the escalator to the White House! Hey, only losers walk. Presidents take Stair Force One. What an entrance! An escalator down. I haven't seen an entrance that majestic since my friend met me at The Gap after grabbing an Orange Julius. Wow! Come on! Let's dance clown stick!
(clip of Trump announcing he'll run, making motion to staff to cut off the music)
The guy scored his own presidential announcement! Hey, hey, hey, I'm gonna run for president. Kyle, in the sound booth....Neil Young me. Yeah. Eh, rocking in the..ok, cut. Done. And what followed was over half an hour of the most ridiculous jibber jabber ever to pour forth from the mouth of a bat shit billionaire.
(clips of Trump making ridiculous statements, calling our leaders "stupid" and "losers", saying Mexican immigrants are "bringing drugs, they're rapists and some are probably good people.")
I'm saying benefit of the doubt, eh? They can't all be rapists, it's not probable. This guy disrespected our neighbors at his announcement. You're a bunch of drug dealers and rapists...no disrespect. He's amazing! America's id is running for president! Trump is the part of your brain at 3 AM that's going "let's go take a shit in a mailbox. Come on, who's gonna know?"
Now, every candidate uses their announcement speech to reel off a litany of values that define them. So did The Donald.
(clip of Trump saying "I'm really rich. I've done an amazing job." Bragging about all of his real estate properties, naming them, ending with "I just sold an apartment for $15 million to somebody from China!")
(Stewart mocking Trump) Hey! $15 million to a Chinese guy? Who's better than me? Hey, Kyle—Neil Young me—boom! This speech....was so fucked up that in the middle of it, all the liquid in his body tried to escape through the corner of his mouth! Thank you, Donald. Thank you, Donald Trump for making my last six weeks, my best six weeks. (crowd boos) No! He is putting me in some kind of comedy hospice. Where all I'm getting is just straight morphine. Well, obviously with such a stunning announcement, we have full team coverage. We're going to go out first to Jordan Klepper, live from Trump's headquarters.
(staff coverage bits)