I couldn’t suppress a snarky laugh when I read Josh Duggar had confessed to pornography and infidelity. I detested his condemnation of gay marriage, so his comeuppance in the marital arena seemed sweetly appropriate. My giggle-fest ended abruptly when I remembered the agony our family suffered from righteous church members.
Decades ago we adopted two troubled children. I summarize the experience with, “God will never send me to hell; I’ve already been.” Part of the horror came from church members who were quick to blame us for problems with the kids, our marriage, and my mental health. “If you’re having difficulties, it’s because you’re withholding some corner of your heart from the Lord.” They spouted never-ending, know-it-all, supposedly Bible-based criticism. That pain, on top of our almost intolerable daily grind, was too much. We left religion.
Some years later I got a call from a woman who had been part of my former circle of friends. She was a darling lady with incredible musical talent and a confident recipe for serene family life. I felt much more reluctant than pleased when I agreed to meet her for lunch.
She opened our rendezvous with a sincere apology for how she and other church people had treated us. I felt grateful, yet suspicious about what was coming next. It turned out that her truly loving family, who had done everything “right,” had produced an adolescent son with addictions and criminal behavior. She was devastated. Not only by the nightmare in her own home, but by incessant tut-tutting from sanctimonious corners. She offered an apology born of humbling experience, and was clearly hoping for my understanding kindness. She got it.
Likewise, we watch the Duggars, en masse, painfully reaping what they have sown on the world stage. They are learning the hard way, like many of us have, that nothing is predictable or secure or fair or controllable. Eventually, they will also see that painful lesson supplanted by the most profound and practical knowledge people can gain. Kindness, without strings attached.
The Duggars will soon discover the only thing left is kindness. Kindness coming from a few others, and eventually given generously by themselves. They will finally realize it doesn’t matter one bit if we can’t understand why someone is LGBT or needs an abortion or can’t work or has an addiction or is mentally ill or breaks the law or has an affair or anything else.
All that matters is kindness. Toward everybody. Always.