I called you all here today to announce that I'm stepping down from this diary to spend more time with my family.
This diary has been a wonderful run for me. I started it just minutes ago, and I've enjoyed every second of it. What's always been important to me about this diary is that it have meaning and value for you, the reader. I've dedicated my life -- at least the part of my life devoted to writing this diary -- to providing valuable information, and, at times, enjoyment, to you, the reader.
But my time in this diary has come to an end. Thus, I will be leaving this diary today to spend time with the people who mean the most to me, my family.
Please understand that the reason I'm leaving this diary has nothing to do with the sordid rumors concerning me and a goat. Those rumors are unfounded and are the result of scurrilous attempts by my enemies to undermine my work in this diary. My dedication to you, the reader, has taken me away from my family and I have been happy to make that sacrifice as I penned this diary. But I am now looking forward to doing the things I have for too long neglected because I've been writing this diary, including having cereal with my wife and walking the kids to school.
I will not be taking questions. But I do want to announce that, as a family, we have decided to adopt Daisy as a pet. Daisy is an orphan goat I happened to have encountered shortly before sitting down to write this diary. As a family, we have opened our doors to Daisy and will graciously share our home and our good fortune with her.
Thank you and enjoy the rest of your day.