White House insiders were on Cloud 9 this weekend, after the President closed the biggest Saudi deal ever, providing our Arabian partners with $110 billion in U.S. arms, including missile defense systems, tanks, naval combat vessels, radar, communications and cyber security bells and whistles. In reciprocation, the Saudis reportedly tried to give Trump a toilet. More on that in a moment. (Full disclosure, some would say this water closet leak is apocryphal; but not Trump, because that’s a four syllable adjective and also actually a word.)
Notwithstanding, the Saudis really did roll out the red carpet – because, if there’s one thing they’ve already got plenty of on the peninsula besides fossil fuel, it’s Arabian carpets. You know it, I know, it everybody knows it; we saw it in Lawrence of Arabia. The President even said he witnessed with his own eyes, Muslims cheering in New Jersey when one of the rugs in Disney’s Aladdin flew into the World Trade Center.
Word has it the Royal family also pulled out all the stops at Saturday night’s Murabba Palace banquet, said by at least two sources in the National Security Agency to have been in an effort to outspend the Russians, who had lavished the world’s priciest beluga caviar on former national security advisor Michael Flynn in Moscow. However, things reportedly nearly went south when the Trumps were informed the mink shish kabab entrée they had requested was not, as first thought, halal, much less even kosher for the Kushners.
The President claimed to have been surprised by this revelation, having surmised that kebab skewering was what all those dancing swords were about -- like when the servers approach your table with meat at the Fogo de Chao in West Palm Beach. Through closed doors, reporters could hear staff bickering, trying to get their stories straight as to which part of the now moot main course was the shish and which the kebab. Press secretary Sean Spicer, who was surprised as all get out he was invited, tried to explain it didn’t matter; because you could just as easily turn the skewers around, reversing everything, like in White House press conferences.
None of this may have been as surprising to the rest of us, when it is remembered the President had based all his knowledge of Islam on this brief interview conducted with him by TV personality Ali G many years ago. To this day still unaware that the purported Muslim representative turned out to be the Jewish prankster Sacha Baron Cohen, AKA Borat the Impaler.
Moving from the world of impaled cuisine to fashion, certain Washington and New York City newspapers predictably speculated that both Melania and Ivanka Trump, having left their heads uncovered during the entire visit, may have been interpreted as an affront to their hosts’ religious
and cultural sensibilities. Sometime White House alternative spokesperson Sarah Huckabee Sanders has complained the lying media, of course, failed to report first son-in-law Jared had also left his own orthodox Jewish head uncovered as a compensatory gesture of accommodation – saying there would be plenty of time for that once they got to Israel.
At the same time Jared wanted it known in no uncertain terms that he and his family have no business interests in the jewelry store chain of the same name where the Saudi King had
purchased the gold rapper necklace and medal presented to our President, literally weighing heavily on him bigly. The fact that a section of Trump’s own head is always covered with something as yet indeterminate is just a given.
FUN ALTERNATIVE FACT: The story behind the aforementioned commode caper (which, honestly, we will get to detailing shortly) illustrates a problem with the Trump administration operating principle that a little knowledge is rarely a dangerous thing. In backgrounding their guests, like everyone else by now, the Saudis found it prudent to Snopes alternative fact-check everything Trump, no matter how arcane or trivial – because, as handwritten in the margins of the extensive Trump section of virtually every copy of Britain’s MI-6 intelligence agency operations manual: “Jesus! You never know!”
In vetting the first family, they came across one of the rare instances of a fabrication about Trump, rather than by Trump. Snopes confirmed that a widely circulated Occupy Democrats photograph in social media that purported to snark the wretched excess of a Trump Tower Fifth Avenue penthouse solid gold toilet , in fact, had been taken in the home of a Hong Kong jeweler. One, no doubt unaware that one of those equally pricey Japanese toilets, that does just about everything for you but take out the dry cleaning, would have provided a far greater return on investment.
Apprised of this personal hygiene fixture deficit, with which few others can likely identify, the King is said to have then determined the most diplomatic way to rectify the disappointment of the mink stole from the President’s menu would be a gift exchange not only comparable in value to the arms deal, but to the tax deductible Trump hotel robes and complimentary toiletry products all forty-six-
hundred members of the royal family, down to 5th cousins twice removed, had been presented earlier in the day. Unlike being fully briefed on the plethora of Arabian carpets, the President appeared to have been completely blindsided by the fact that his hosts were also already up to their ghutras in robes as well (see photo) – as common on the streets of Riyadh as yoga pants in Scarsdale.
King Salman (which, frankly, sounds somewhat more like a species than a potentate) thereupon surprised the American first family with an over-the-top matching gilded necessary-throne-bidet ensemble identical in every way to his own (see photo).
When it was explained any gift to a U.S. President valued above $375 might precariously cross the line into an impeachable emolument, the Saudi foreign minister told reporters he believed an exception had been included in those “bathroom bills,” that have been the subject of such heated controversy in U.S. state legislatures over the past year. Informed that was not the case, at 3 a.m. the following morning, the President petulantly tweeted:
“Saudi Arabia, Saudi Arabia, Saudi Arabia…has anybody heard of any other Arabias? Why does this Saudi family have to keep going around putting their name on everything?”
As is his want, the President then promised to donate the gold furnishings to the Trump
Presidential Lavatory Library (photo right).
http://www.dailykos.com/story/2017/5/20/1664295/-Congress-adds-last-minute-final-stop-to-Trump-European-trip-Elba-Koskartoon
OK look, people. You know how depressing it’s been churning out 184 of these whimsical diaries, busting my ass for like only 6 or 8 people--- most of whom aren’t here for the yuks in the first place? So will you PLEASE just find it in your heart (or other organ of your own choosing) to check out this even more arcane, Saudi trip alleged humor diary from Saturday. And, as we say on Elba: “Hats off to you, faites de la France encore GRANDE!”