Dear Cheeto. After watching you fake lip sync to the National Anthem, treating it like a lounge act, I want to give you a little advice. You didn't ask for my advice, but I'm going to give it to you, because I'm a giver. I care about my country and It is some time for a grown up to give you a few words of wisdom.
Since you abdicated the title of leader of the free world this past week by acting like a fool, you are now free to focus on more important things like chocolate cake and Big Macs and KFC. You need to eat, and eat all of the stuff you crave, including raising your ice cream scoop mandate to 3 instead of 2. If you want the world to revolve around you, you need to significantly increase your body mass beyond Chris Christie and embrace your future planetary self. Bill Nye can do the math for you, but the bottom line is to just eat everything.
When you couldn't walk with the other leaders of the G7 and had to take a golf cart to a photo op, I realized that you don't need to give a shit anymore, and you need to focus on you and your personal cravings and needs. We can replace the 747 you fly on with a C-130 if necessary-- it will still be called AF 1, so you keep all the trappings of the office. The Presidential Limo can be replace with a flatbed and a hydraulic hoist. We can adjust, we just want you to be happy.
When you go to Walter Reed for your annual physical, you suppress the results, you can bring in that quack who wrote you a note about how healthy you are and he can write another one. You can tell us how healthy you are and how you are the epitome of masculine vitality.
Please, take my advice. Investigations and impeachment will take a long time. Your self destructive ego is a much faster way to #MAGA