From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
More Headlines You Won't Read Today
Attorney General Barr prioritizes American people over corrupt president
America's NRA-trained "good guys with a gun" go full day without negligently shooting self, family member, or neighbor in foot, hand, groin, chest, or head
Seth Moulton campaign surges
Mexico agrees to pay for wall
#5 actually shocks someone!
Stephen Miller gets asked out on second date
Anti-vaxxers come to their senses
Horses "totally bummed" about losing Kentucky Derby
Jared Kushner brokers Middle East peace
America marks Cinco de Mayo without offensive stereotyping
Republicans approve measure benefiting non-white Americans
President awarded medal as #BeBest role model
Flowers finally blooming in Maine
Great news: only four days ‘til Friday. Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Monday, May 6, 2019
Note: Some see their glass as half empty. Some see their glass as half full. I see the Virgin Mary in my glass and the bidding on eBay is already up to $350. (Current high bid belongs to a Mrs. M. Bachmann.)
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til Tuesday: 1
Days 'til the 6th annual Funk Parade in Washington, D.C.: 5
Percent of Americans who believe Trump's new rule to let doctors reject patients on religious grounds is flat-out bonkers, according to a new Kaiser Family Foundation poll: 70%
Number of Trump's two most recent nominees to join the Federal Reserve board who had to withdraw because they were too looney-tunes to be confirmed: 2
Public support for Sen. Elizabeth Warren't two-percent tax on wealth over $50 million, according to a new Quinnipiac poll: 60%
Increase in sexual assaults in the military since 2016, despite efforts to reduce it: 38%
Number of mission launches that were scrubbed because Hydro Extrusion Portland (Oregon) provided faulty aluminum in a scam that cost NASA $700 million in damages: 2
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Campaigning on the critical issues of the day…
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CHEERS to justice…Buckeye state style! While everyone was off celebrating the start of the weekend by gallivanting and robbing banks and whatnot, a three judge panel was delivering their verdict on the accusation that Republicans were no-good greedy gerrymanderers in the pursuit of unlimited one-party power: You're all guilty as sin and you’re going to hell:
The court said the map, drawn for the 2012 election and used since, "dilutes the votes of Democratic voters by packing and cracking them into districts that are so skewed toward one party that the electoral outcome is predetermined." In each of the four elections under the 2012 plan, Republicans have won 12 of the state's 16 congressional districts, leaving the Democrats with the remaining four.
Packing means drawing district boundaries so that minority voters are crowded into as few districts as possible and spreading out or "cracking" them among the remaining districts, where they can never achieve a majority to elect the candidates of their choice.
Credit for the win goes to the humble League of Women Voters, which for years has been kicked around by Republicans like a rusty sardine can. Said executive director Jen Miller: "Today's ruling ensures that voters' voices will be restored." And also that Republicans' asses will need aloe for many weeks.
JEERS to "manic" Monday. On paper this should be a day of pianos falling like rain on Donald Trump's head:
» His former lawyer and"fixer"---aka "my Roy Cohn"---heads to hardcore prison today to start serving a miserable three-year sentence for tax evasion, perjury, and campaign finance crimes.
» This is the day Treasury Secretary Steve Munchkin must fork over—as clearly dictated by federal law—Trump's personal and business tax returns to House Ways and Means Committee chairman Richard Neal.
» Today is the deadline for Deutsche Bank and Capital One to comply with a House subpoena to turn over a shit-ton of financial documents related to Trump's business dealings.
» The full, un-redacted Mueller Report is due on House Judiciary chairman Jerry Nadler's desk.
But here's what will happen in real life: Cohen will enjoy tennis, bocce ball and fine cuisine at the Otisville detention facility, one of America's "10 cushiest prisons." Munchkin will blow off Chairman Neal again and suffer no consequences until legal issues are resolved around 2097. Deutsche Bank and Capital One will turn over nothing because Trump has filed a lawsuit that will be resolved around 2097. And the full, unredacted Mueller Report will remain neatly tucked in between William Barr's butt cheeks until the legal battle is resolved around 2097. I know that all sounds disappointing and anti-climactic, but there is a silver lining: some Monday in May of 2097 is gonna be faaaaaantastic.
CHEERS to today's edition of Bwok Bwok Bwok!!! Wow, that was quick. I thought Attorney General William Barr was going to hold the title of Biggest Chicken on Earth longer than three days for hiding under his desk instead of showing up in front of the House Judiciary Committee last week to prove his boss's innocence. But over the weekend another fraidy-bird knocked Barr from his gallus gallus domesticus perch and is now king of the cowards' coop:
Brazil's far-right President Jair Bolsonaro has canceled a trip to the United States, his office announced on Friday, after sharp protests against his being honored as the person of the year by the Brazilian-American Chamber of Commerce.
Due to Bolsonaro's past racist, homophobic and misogynist remarks, organizers saw multiple venues in New York refuse to host the gala dinner, including the American Museum of Natural History.
[…]
Bolsonaro spokesman General Otavio Rego Barros said in a statement the president would not be attending the dinner due to "the resistance and deliberate attacks by the Mayor of New York and the pressure of interest groups" on its organizers and sponsors.
Chicken Bolsanaro sounds like something you'd see the harried, frantic contestants frying up on Top Chef. Spoiler alert: it tastes like chicken.
CHEERS to lime, tangerine, strawberry, blueberry and grape. The iMac 'puter machine—in blue originally but then expanded to four other"flavors"—was unveiled 21 years ago this today. Said CNET News at the time:
"We'll sell lots of them. This is the sexiest computer I've ever seen," said Jim Halpin, president and CEO of CompUSA, in a phone interview today with CNET's NEWS.COM. […]
Apple's first brand new Macintosh consumer system in over a year is different from previous Apple offerings--and its PC rivals--in that it will offer lots ofbuilt-in features at a low price. The iMac will come with a 233-MHz PowerPC processor, a 4GB hard drive, built-in networking, an internal modem,and a CD-ROM drive for $1,299, among other features.
Not to be outdone, two decades later PCs and laptops now come in a variety of cool and crazy colors, too: black and gray. Mine is both black and gray with some silver around the edges. What can I say? I'm a badass.
JEERS to the delicious taste of…oh, who are we kidding? So, about that "delicious" beer you had last night, or that "yummy" cup of coffee you're having this morning. Turns out the actual taste of the stuff comes in at #2 on the "why we drink it" scale:
A team of researchers from the Northwestern University Feinberg School of Medicine in Chicago found that the taste preferences for bitter or sweet beverages aren't based on variations in taste genes, but rather in genes that are involved with emotional responses.
The results of the study are published in the journal Human Molecular Genetics.
“The genetics underlying our preferences are related to the psychoactive components of these drinks,” said Marilyn Cornelis, co-author of the study and assistant professor of preventive medicine at Northwestern University Feinberg School of Medicine.
“People like the way coffee and alcohol make them feel. That’s why they drink it. It’s not the taste.”
So the next time your co-worker blurts out, "Mmmmm, great-tasting java," feel free to throw your stapler at their head and yell back, "Liarrrrrrrrr!" Then print out the study and take it with you to the emergency room. You'll have a good laugh as you're reading it together while the doctor's finishing up with the stitches.
CHEERS to a helluva deal steal. 393 years ago, on May 6, 1626, Manhattan was purchased from Native Americans for around $24 in beads, trinkets and wampum. Or in today's terms: A medium espresso. Or funding for 1/1000th of a second at a private college. Or the amount of money Republicans would like to put into alternative energy. Or the number of singles a Koch brother rolls up and uses to light his cigars. Or... Well, let's just say really cheap.
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Ten years ago in C&J: May 6, 2009
CHEERS to champagne wishes and caviar dreams! The chairman of the Federal Reserve, Benjamin Button Bernanke, says: "We continue to expect economic activity to bottom out, then to turn up later this year. Even after a recovery gets under way ... we expect that the recovery will only gradually gain momentum and that economic slack will diminish slowly." Woo hoo!!! Consider my order for a diamond-studded Hummer placed. (And double my inventory of credit default swaps—whatever the hell they are.)
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And just one more…
JEERS to fake views. I knew this would happen. As soon as Donald Trump got elected the Deep State at NASA's Jet Propulsion Laboratory went rogue with their monthly "What's Up?" video. First they threw long-time writer and announcer Jane Houston Jones—the only woman in the world I would turn straight for—into the streets like a mongrel. They replaced her with Jennier Corbilla, whose loyalty to GOD and COUNTRY was just too much for the JPL-DS to handle. So they threw her out with the baby's bathwater and now all we have is a disembodied male voice disseminating LIES! Like the blue moon isn’t really blue, or that there was once a moon landing, or that asteroids hellbent on destroying earth don’t have a liberal bias. It's all here in their latest Hillary-funded propaganda video of May’s astronomical highlights, and I warn you not to believe a word of it:
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Next thing you know, they'll tell us that Jesus didn’t really command a SpaceX star destroyer with Mike Pence and his Space Force posse to defeat the Obamabots in the Battle of the Solyndra Nebula. So I have three simple words regarding the six-thousand employees at the so-called Jet Propulsion Laboratory: Lock. Them. Up.
Have a tolerable Monday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial
"I’ve characterized what goes on in Cheers and Jeers as a moral dead zone."
---Sen. Mazie Hirono (D-HI)
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