Hi dad, i thought i would write you a letter today, on your birthday. I thought you would like to know that the house you and mom had built, and retired to, was bought by Elizabeth, the neighbor child across the street from you, who loved you both dearly. I am sure you know, that the purchaser is kept secret when negotiating the sale of a house. Imagine my surprise when I found out she and her husband had the bid I accepted. You would have been so pleased to know that your best friend's daughter bought your house, she and her husband are very happy there.
This is really hard to write, I miss you so much, if only I could pick up the phone and call you. Of course, I am sitting here crying , I'm sorry, I know it would make you uncomfortable. To tell you the truth, I still can't say your name, without getting choked up. This is the longest road I have ever traveled. Of course you understand this too, you had to live alone for eleven years after mom died.
I tried so hard to be perfect for you. I made the dishes mom used to make, the ones that you loved. I made the holiday food I was brought up with. I remember the first thanksgiving after mom died, we set a plate for her, at the head of the table, remember? It was a very subdued thanksgiving, none of us ate very much. We used the special plates, that were only used for holidays, I still use them now. That reminds me, everyone always requests I make your southwestern beans recipe. I know you would be very pleased to hear this, you were justifiably proud of your cooking skills.
I apologize, I Haven't visited you and mom lately. I feel a little bit selfish, it is just so difficult to see you both lying there, next to each other, in the cold ground. Your place in the cemetery is very pretty, there are lots of old growth trees, and beautiful flowers. There is a sweet smell in the air, and you are both in shade. Sometimes, a little sunshine peeks through, and there is a breeze in the afternoon. You are not forgotten, I want you to know that. I have your favorite jacket, I wear it in the winter, to keep me warm. If only it still smelled of your cologne. I have your shot glass collection hanging on the wall, next to a photo of you and mom, I thought it was appropriate, considering how much you both loved to dance, and have a cocktail, or two.
Dad, one of the hardest things to deal with is the loss of our family. Lindy and I are all that is left. We are the memory keepers now. It is a strange feeling to be the last of a family. I am very scared. I have tried to describe this feeling before, I don't know how successful I was. I think i felt safe, when you were alive, i don't feel that way anymore. I am constantly looking over my shoulder, trying to be ready for the next disaster to strike. It is terribly exhausting. I am sorry to tell you that I still have anxiety, it is hard for me at bedtime, I am so terrified of the phone ringing in the night, it takes forever for me to go to sleep. Don't worry though, I will keep working on this. Hopefully, someday I won't feel this way anymore.
I am still angry and upset that i didn't tell you i loved you, that terrible night. I hope you can forgive me, I am still trying to forgive myself. I hope you aren't embarrassed that i am making this letter public, you were a very private person. I am being selfish in this, it makes me feel better to know that I am sharing a little bit of you with with a very nice community of people.
Happy birthday dad,
Your loving daughter,
Caterina