I struggled a bit on what to write about. This is not my normal thing, you know. I’m not typically very wordy. I asked myself, what would I want to read about? because the two most important things they teach you about writing are 1. write what you know and 2. everyone wants to know what I (Freddie) am thinking about. I don’t really know who “they” are, but there’s no sense in denying the people what they want, i.e. me.
At first, I thought maybe I’d write a treatise on the lizards that have invaded the yard. They dart around suspiciously and sometimes stop to stare at me. I can’t get to them thanks to this weird barrier the human calls a “window” so they have totally free reign. It’s fine. I’ll get out there one day.
Maybe not, though. I don’t really like it out there.
The problem is that there really isn’t that much to say about them. They exist. I watch. The end.
As I was pondering this predicament, the human stopped what she was doing (staring at that thing she always carries around with her — she calls it an “eReader.” I don’t really understand what’s so interesting about it that she has to stare at it all the time. It doesn’t move so you can’t chase it. I’ve rubbed my head all over it so it smells like me, though, so everything is fine) to ask me if I was hungry. I thumped my tail in response. She asked again. I crouched and turned my ears to her to indicate that, yes, in fact I would like her to get up and feed me. Why does she always ask?
That was when it hit me. I’ve spent several years working with this human to make sure she knows the rules of living in my house with me. I find that it’s important to make sure your human is properly trained so you don’t have them running amok in your space. But maybe not everyone has this skill. I thought, that's it! So please join me as I share what I have learned about having a human pet.
It is important to establish some ground rules with your human as soon as possible. If you are still a kitten when you get her, that might be a little difficult, but just get started as soon as you can. You don’t want to have to growl and hiss at her all the time — that is not responsible pet ownership and can lead to a volatile home environment for everyone involved. They are simple creatures, but with patience and consistency they can be taught.
Positive reinforcement is best. You have a purr; use it! Humans find this sound comforting and will immediately relax when you do it. If the human does something you like, purr away! Let me give you an example.
I love to have my tummy rubbed. I know! That’s a weird thing, but please don’t judge me for it. The problem is that I, like every one of you, do not like being vulnerable on my back when the human does it. If she tries, I do find the need to deploy teeth and claw even though I don't really like to go that negative route in training.
With humans, sometimes a quick, sharp shock is necessary for behavior modification. Use this sparingly, but do not be afraid to use it.
But, as I mentioned before, positive reenforcement is best. I will stand next to the human and bump my head into her. She learned pretty quick that that means I want a petting or two. She will reach under me and rub my belly while I am standing so I don’t have to be vulnerable. The way I taught her this trick was simple — the first time she did it, I purred loudly and rubbed my head on her. Now she does it all the time. So you see, positive reenforcement is the way to go!
Look, we are cute and our bellies are soft. This can make the humans believe that rubbing our bellies when we are like this...
...is a good idea. I know you don’t want to give up lying like this. It’s too comfortable. The bottom line is this: don’t change your behavior. Change her behavior.
This was just one example. But you can see how my method works and you can apply it to other things. Make sure you are consistent, though, because humans will forget if you let them.
1. Be sure to establish the pecking order.
As cute as they can be, and as nice as those finger feel massaging the muscles of your back and rubbing your fur, humans are basically self centered creatures. My human likes to explain to me that she’s in charge because she “has thumbs” and “pays the bills” whatever that means. It’s fine. She can say that all she wants.
But we both know the truth.
I have worked hard to make sure she knows that when it comes to our living arrangements, she must change her habits for me. I don’t change what I’m doing.
Oh, she has rules she thinks I follow. For example, she has this strange obsession with keeping me off the kitchen counters. So I stay off them when she’s around. This is not about me changing my behavior, though! I still do it when she can’t see me! But this way she stays happy and is better able to keep me happy.
But ultimately we both understand that I am in charge.
2. Set a routine and make them stick to it.
This is most important when it comes to feeding times. My human is trained to feed me as soon as she gets up in the morning. She does this before getting anything for herself, including that strong smelling stuff she calls “coffee” or sometimes “wake-up juice.”
Again, consistency is key so in order to reenforce this behavior I make sure to run ahead of her as fast as I can and go directly to my bowl. That way she knows I’m serious about this.
I run fast too. I’m also really graceful. If she ever tells you that I slip and slide on the wood floor than she is a liar.
Anyway, the important thing is to never let up on this. If she’s sick, you still have to eat. If it’s the weekend and she wants to sleep in, as much as you might want to indulge her, you can’t allow this. Walk all over her and smell her face until she wakes up. If that doesn’t work, try meowing in her face really loud. She’ll get up sooner rather than later, especially if you don’t relent. Be firm.
3. Do not reward bad behavior.
As I said before, positive reenforcement is best. But sometimes you have to make a point when the human is behaving badly. Did she come home late and you were left alone longer than normal? Did she give you a bath? Did she take you to the vet?
Do not reward this behavior.
You don’t have to bite or scratch, though! That should only be done in extreme situations or when their hands are moving really fast around you and it kind of looks like a mouse or something and you can’t help yourself.
All you have to do is sit out of their reach with your back her. This makes her very unhappy, I’ve found. Look, you like being petted. But also — she loves petting you. If you deny her this pleasure for even a short time she will learn a very valuable lesson.
4. Always keep her guessing.
One of the most important tools in your toolbox is the fact that the humans you live with don’t really understand you. You are mysterious. You are inscrutable.
These are good things.
If she is fascinated by you then she will pay more attention to you.
You can use this to keep her in line.
It can also be amusing. You don’t want to get bored with your human. I like to do things like suddenly start running around as fast as I can for no reason. She laughs about it, but it keeps her unbalanced too.
Keep in mind that you are a superior creature in all ways and can do many, many things she cannot. It’s important to “show off” these skills frequently so that she understands your greatness. This will keep her wanting to please you.
I’ve found that my human thinks I’m “lazy” and that I “sleep all day.” I sleep the normal amount. Like you, I get my full twenty hours a day mixed in with short bursts of frenzied activity. It’s very important not to change that, even if she laughs at you.
Always remember: She needs to change for you. You do not change for her.
So that’s about it. Following these simple tips will help you have a happier home environment, shared with a human who knows her place. She is here to serve you — make sure she knows how.
Until next time,
Freddie.
I’m going back to sleep now.
Happy Caturday, Peeps! I have to work today and work has become chaos thanks to the, well, chaos out in the wider world, so I will most likely not be in much. I apologize and will try to make it up to you next week when things will hopefully be calmer. I hope everyone is staying safe and healthy in lock-down and I know we will all get through this together.