In the long historical progression of authoritarian ruler names, from Attila the Hun to Ivan the Terrible through to Percy the Not-So-Bad, we’ve had a few side excursions. As a case in point, tRump has proved to be a disaster looking for an appropriate sobriquet. There are just so many appropriate appellations. From analinguist to zipperhead, the list is endless. It’s possible that tRump’s name is legion and he’s a modern day Gaderene Swine intent on drowning himself1. That’s at least a plausible reason for his mind-numbingly incomprehensible behavior.
After proving to the entire world his qualification for membership in the opposite of Mensa, liddle Donnie displayed less emotional maturity than a two-year-old and went off on a full-on Category 5 tantrum, blaming everyone but the culprit for his saggy polls. His display so epically inappropriate that several of his trusted employees couldn’t keep from talking about it with the press.
So what did the brainless trust come up with? Rather than hide him from the public and hope he doesn’t knock over his drool pail, they are going to put him out there some more to do damage control. He doesn’t have the brains to teach finger-painting (or the hand size). That they expect him to clean up his own mess points up that his henchweasels didn’t fall far from the road apples of children he’d already dropped.
We had some ideas that tRump can use to help him keep his name in the spotlight.
First we can bring back this PSA tailored for today’s tRump supporter.
This is your brain
This is your brain on drugs
This is your brain on good drugs
This is your brain on tRump
These are the republican party’s brains on tRump
Any Questions?
Here’s ad copy that’s a perfect vehicle for tRump.
LoserAlert™
My poll numbers have fallen and they can’t get back up. I tried giving them Viagra™ but they are still flopping around in the low forties. That’s why I’ve joined the LoserAlert™ Network. If I find my polling incapacitated by a self-inflicted high velocity foot maiming, I just press my LoserAlert™ button and Brad Pascale rushes right over to lie me back down to my normal sadistic self. It’s a loser saver. And it works anywhere — in the bathroom, on the golf course, while choking down hamberders or even giving a press briefing. LoserAlert™ saved me and it can save you (as long as you are an unprincipled, lying sack of ego and swamp gas).
Another ad that captures tRump at his absolute tRumpiest.
Sartorial Bankruptcy
His ties are sold by the yard.
His suits are made by a drunken tentmaker.
He has all the fashion sense of a slime mold.
His tuxedo fits him like it was made for someone else.
When he dresses he always looks like a schlub.
He is the worst dressed liar in the White House2.
And when he drinks disinfectant he prefers Chlorox™.
We are told that tRump wanted to do an “I have the Meatheads” ad for Arby’s but after the Meatheads pulled out of team tRump, the negotiations fell through. (see Evening Shade: The Rush to Dump the Chump)
1This line is scriptural bait to draw in any Prosperity Christians looking for a reason to jump ship.
2When Bannon was in the White House it was a close call. In Washington, he has competition from Gym jordan’s coatless jackass style and Louie Gohmert’s fallout from eating with his mouth open style.
If anyone knows which font is the best match for the block font used as the “I DON’T ALWAYS” part of the tag line in the Chlorox testimonial, please let me know. It bugs me that I couldn’t do a better font match.
Saturdays are when Goodie relaxes from her job of doing everything for everyone and puts together a roundup for us: Seven Reasons not to worry about the Tara Reade story ruining Biden's chances: Saturday's GNR