Breaking: Protesters Demand Re-Opening of Ozone Layer
May 7, 2020
A crowd of gun-toting protesters swarmed the Michigan state house in Lansing again yesterday, this time to demand that the recently-closed hole in the ozone layer be immediately reopened.
The crowd of several dozen stood shoulder-to-shoulder without face masks, and carried signs reading “My ozone, my choice,” "Heil Bill Nye," and “God is my ozone layer” among others, according to witnesses.
Continued...
Last week scientists announced that the "unprecedented ozone hole" that opened up over the Arctic this spring had closed "just as suddenly as it had formed." But while the scientific community expressed relief, many conservatives have erupted in anger over what they claim is a plot by Governor Gretchen Whitmer to "shut the door of freedom above our heads in our face."
"The ozone layer is ours, just like our bowling alleys and hair salons," said Karen Fleeder of Birch Run. "And we're not going to stand here and let the government close it down without a fight. We demand they reopen it. It's a constitutional issue."
The ozone layer or ozone shield is a region of Earth's stratosphere that absorbs most of the Sun's ultraviolet radiation.
More protests to re-open the ozone layer are planned for this weekend. Fox News, which has called social distancing measures “tyranny” and “a George Soros coverup,” will carry them live from several thousand feet away.
And now, our feature presentation...
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Cheers and Jeers for Thursday, May 7, 2020
Note: Full moon tonight and also the last supermoon of 2020. Get your butt out in the back yard, look up, think of Neil Armstrong, Katherine Johnson, and John Glenn, and give it a wink. It's the law. —Mgt.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til World Donkey Day: 1
Head-to-head Senate race numbers for Cal Cunningham (D) and incumbent Thom Tillis (R) in North Carolina, according to Civiqs polling: 50%-41%
Percent of Americans polled by PPP who favor expanding Medicaid so low- and moderate-income citizens can have health coverage: 80%
Percent of independents polled by PPP who believe Trump is doing a good job on health care: 31%
Percent of Americans polled by the Washington Post who believe restaurants should be open now: 26%
Percent of Wendy's outlets currently out of beef: 20%
Years as of yesterday since Maine's John Baldacci (D) became the first governor in U.S. history to sign a same-sex marriage bill into law: 11
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Your Thursday Molly Ivins Moment:
Look, this should not be a for-profit [health insurance] system. We need to phase out all for-profit or investor-owned provider and insurance organizations.
[Dr. Rudolph] Mueller suggests a one-time fair buyout of all such organizations. The good news is that doctors are no longer impeding serious reform—in fact, doctors are having such a hard time under the current system, they've been radicalized on the subject and can now be counted on to help with reform.
Conservatives reflexively start moaning about the cost of a "big, new government program." Actually, what's costly is the system we have now. Americans already spend 58 percent more than the weighted average of similar nations for health care.
—March, 2002
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Captain America FAIL…
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CHEERS to throwing Mike Pence under the bus. See, how it works is: Trump makes some big, unexpected pronouncement that he hasn’t discussed with anyone else. Then, to make it seem like it was all planned, his #2 dons a MAGA hat and marches in lockstep. And then the coup d grace: Trump shifts the bus into reverse and…ka-thump, ka-thump. The headlines from a 12-hour period between Tuesday and Wednesday show how it's done:
Eat your heart out, Laurel and Hardy.
JEERS to World War III. Don’t get me wrong, World Wars are an excellent time to do some serious looting. But death and destruction kinda sticks in my craw, so I can't say I'm a big fan. Especially when it comes to major world powers whose leaders are chest-beating men driven by overcompensation for their physical shortcomings:
An internal Chinese report warns that Beijing faces a rising wave of hostility in the wake of the coronavirus outbreak that could tip relations with the United States into confrontation, people familiar with the paper told Reuters. […]
As a result, Beijing faces a wave of anti-China sentiment led by the United States in the aftermath of the pandemic and needs to be prepared in a worst-case scenario for armed confrontation between the two global powers, according to people familiar with the report’s content, who declined to be identified given the sensitivity of the matter.
In response, China spent countless hours huddled deep in emergency bunkers on the outskirts of Beijing preparing a plan to de-escalate the situation and avoid nuclear war. Item #1 on the list: "Knock a couple cents off the price of the cheap-ass red hats they sell to the Trump reelection campaign." Item #2: There is no Item #2. Because item #1 will suffice.
CHEERS to fluid situations. This week in 1863, traitor General Thomas "Stonewall" Jackson died of pneumonia after one of his own fellow traitors shot him a week earlier in a battle at Chancellorsville during the war he joined to destroy the United States of America in order to preserve ownership of human beings possessing skin pigmentation different from his own.
True fact: he would've survived longer, but Jefferson Davis’s newly-signed Rebelcare health insurance plan considered pneumonia a pre-existing condition, and the high-risk pool his insurer plopped Jackson into had already run out of money. Sadly, the bake sale table that J.E.B. Stuart and Robert E. Lee set up to raise funds for his surgery was turned into splinters by a Union cannonball, leaving only Mrs.Beauregard's lemon tarts, which were far too mushy and sour and only brought in 3 cents. And that's why you read C&J: we bring history to life.
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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CHEERS to the Energizer justice. Using our exclusive recording technology (a microphone planted in her lava lamp), let's check in and see how 87-year-old Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg is recovering from a rogue gallstone that sent her to the hospital for a few hours this week:
"One hundred and eighty one…one hundred and eighty two…one hundred and eighty three…"
"Um, Justice Ginsburg, ma'am, could you maybe stop bench pressing me for a few minutes so I can go pee and maybe check my messages?"
"Oh, quit being such a putz. What kind of personal trainer are you, anyway?"
"Yes, ma'am. Sorry, ma'am."
"Where was I? One hundred and eighty four…one hundred and eighty five…"
Meanwhile, since it's a day ending in y, Brett Kavanaugh's liver will spend another 24 hours wondering how everything in life went so terribly, horribly wrong.
JEERS to today's edition of "Things That Make Me Feel Old." Bob Seger turned 75 yesterday and former MTV News correspondent Kurt Loder turned 75 on Tuesday. This has been today's edition of "Things That Make Me Feel Old."
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Ten years ago in C&J: May 7, 2010
CHEERS to Rays of sunshine. Good news: Raymond Foster of the KKK (seen here in the lower photo literally napping at his own rally) was sentenced to life in prison for admitting he murdered a woman in Louisiana. He won't have to worry about finding a jail cell, though, because one was just vacated in Cleveland by African-American Raymond Towler, whose life sentence for child-rape was overturned after DNA testing proved his innocence. Towler said he harbors no anger or bitterness. Foster said that's okay, I got enough for both of us.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to previews of coming attractions. What's the one thing that's been missing from the White House since Clownface von Fuckstick took over the joint? I mean, besides intelligence, empathy, responsibility, common sense, teamwork, honesty, and integrity? You're exactly right—any trace of humor or good cheer. The People's House has become Fortress Trump, where the only sign of life is Melania berating her tennis court construction crew on the south lawn to "Be faster! Be faster!" and the occasional planting of a tree that will soon whither and die from embarrassment. So it's a real psychological breath of fresh air to see that we're just eight months away from having a president who knows how to crack a joke in the service of making an important point, as Joe Biden does here with Keegan-Michael Key:
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It gives me hope that there’s light at the end of the tunnel. For us, a return to normalcy. For Trump, an oncoming freight train.
Have a nice Thursday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial
New Poll: majority of Americans call Bill in Portland Maine's Cheers and Jeers “unprepared” and “erratic.”
—Mediaite
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