It’s Bunker Boi’s birthday and it’s Flag Day. Maybe that explains why we keep catching him dry humping flags. He thinks all the flags are for him. They always fly on his birthday and he’s not capable of separating the two events. It’s always about him, even when it’s not.
So, while he’s busy today; eating his perfect chocolate cake, trying to corner Melania (Ivanka?) for a birthday special, and pushing Stephen Miller to devise new ways to dishonor our flag, why don’t we throw some flags at him, while we spend the day taking a knee for justice.
The NFL has kindly lent us Jock “Rules Guy” Suspenders to help us apply some rules to tRump. Jock merged in some penalties from the college game to help round out the full breadth and scope of just how badly tRump has behaved since the installation of his regime.
Flags for Donald
Rules Violation |
Penalty |
Explanation |
Delay of Justice |
5 Years |
For obstruction of the judicial process by ignoring subpoenas, filing frivolous objections and generally thumbing his nose at the judicial system. |
Illegal Motion to Dismiss |
5 Years |
For more obstruction having to do with situations like the motion to dismiss the case against Michael Flynn |
Enrichment |
5 Years |
For violations of the Emoluments Clause of the Constitution, overcharging the government for stays at tRump properties, etc ad nauseum. |
Illegal Participation |
5 Years |
For Russian collusion, Turkish collusion, Saudi Arabian collusion ... |
Off Color Asides |
5 Years |
For general sleazy and objectionable behavior that includes disparaging people through insulting generalizations. |
False Statement |
5 Years |
For lying and lying and lying and lying ... |
Illegal Shift of Funding |
5 Years |
For misusing monies appropriate for other purposes through executive order or false declarations of emergency. |
Offensive Interference |
10 Years |
For sticking his nose into State responses to unrest. |
Illegal Touching |
5 Years |
Penalty for minor sexual assault |
Offensive Holding |
10 Years |
For somewhat more offensive touching and grabbing |
Illegal Use of Tiny Hands Without Permission |
15 Years |
For when the touching and grabbing has moved into the Epstein level violent assault stage. |
Illegal Hands to the Crotch |
15 Years |
For the most egregious form of contact. This is the major grabbing violation. Can and should be stacked with other assault penalties. |
Police Interference |
15 Years |
For attempts to cover up police misconduct |
Facemask |
15 Years |
For causing needless death by encouraging people to not use facemasks |
Horse’s Ass Collar |
15 Years |
For being a giant unrepentant horse’s ass |
Illegal Block at the Border |
15 Years |
For depriving people of their legal right to asylum. |
Unnecessary Racism |
15 Years |
All racism is unnecessary so this flag will be on the field continuously as long as tRump continues to be a flaming racist poster boi. |
Unstatesmanlike Conduct |
15 Years |
For treason. |
Personally Foul |
15 Years |
For just being Donald. |
Targeting Minorities |
15 Years and automatic ejection |
Being a giant asshole to any of our fellow citizens is grounds for impeachment. |
Targeting Women |
15 Years and automatic ejection |
Being a giant asshole to any of our fellow citizens is grounds for impeachment. |
Targeting Immigrants |
15 Years and automatic ejection |
Being a giant asshole to any of our fellow prospective citizens is grounds for impeachment. |
Targeting LBGQT+ Americans |
15 Years and automatic ejection |
Being a giant asshole to any of our fellow citizens is grounds for impeachment. |
As news of this celebration of Donald’s monstrous culpability leaked out into the sports world we were contacted by other sports leagues desiring to pile on. Every league agrees, Donald’s misrepresentation of the dangers of COVID-19 has worsened the situation and cost them revenue. They are all immensely saddened by the loss of life caused by tRump’s inaction. And they are appalled at the amount of money his blunders are costing them. The NHL suggested adding penalties for:
Boring Major |
5 Years |
Every thing he says is just repetition of the same old bushwah he’s been blowing at us for his entire life. Enough! |
Spearfishing Major |
5 Years |
This is for all those letters the tRump campaign is sending out designed to look like official communications from the government. |
Tripping Major |
5 Years |
For all those times when they trip over their junk in a rush to do awful things. but get stopped just in time. Intent matters. |
The other leagues mostly just ranted about the death penalty.
As you can see from the chart, the penalties for Donnie’s antics are severe. If he has to serve all the time for all the violations consecutively, he will be in jail until long after hell freezes over. I don’t have a problem with that.
So Donald, in closing, we’d like to take this opportunity to wish you yet another empty, soulless celebration of your much lamented birth and to hope that you spend your next birthday end every one thereafter behind bars, without access to twitter, chocolate cake, diet Coke, Russian hookers and Bill Barr’s tongue. We’re planning to make sure you get a TV that only receives MSNBC.
Up the Resistance!
Memaliciousness
After taking a day off because I freakin’ forgot, the Cut and Paste Department returns. This is the regularly scheduled plea for readers. I’ve still only had to make two memes. You have it within your power to make me work. If you spread the word about Evening Shade and your spreadee announces themselves in the comments, you will become eligible to receive your very, very special noprize of a meme of your very own. All you have to do is jump up and get out there and start carnival barking, cajoling, proselytizing (or pimping, if you are of an irreligious bent). You could even pester and push. Procrastination is not an option — it’s a way of life.
2thanks led the herd in Sunday service before opening the salo(o)n: How to Pull Down an Obelisk ☼ Monopolar Racism ☼ Who Won The Week? ☼ Map ☼ Sunday Good News