Negotiating with people never works when the opening option offered is, “Do what we say. Or else.” That’s not negotiating. That’s Bruce Willis in The 5th Element, coming out from the ballroom with his (to be TM’d) Tru-Mark Slaughter Gun and asking if anyone else wants to negotiate. I seem to recall an abrupt end to peaceful dialogue at that point.
When you try to go Full Bruce on people in real life, they get ornery, mulish and cross. Uncooperative, even. Look, nobody likes to be told what to do, (wear a mask, say please and thank you, don’t tear gas the citizens) but it just seems like the best way to get through life on this planet is to maybe, I dunno, start from a kinder point of view? Make an attempt to see life through the eyes of someone different, try to get some new perspective. Having a lot more carrots, considerably fewer sticks might be nice. Since I'm wish-listing, some tolerance, with a side of instant karma would be ideal, a timely slap to the head of cruel, feckless people. (I'm just throwing that instant karma plea in because just once, one time, I would like to see these rapacious cretins in power suits step on that mistake rake.....in one long edition of Funniest Home Videos/Political Pratfalls Edition. I would like just desserts served. At once.) Or how about trying a more friendly type of persuasion? Not cheap camo, vans and guns. So many alternatives to attempt resolution, yet the chronic default mechanism always remains Or Else.
I suppose if you hijack enough power, hire enough sycophants and think you are big enough, you can say screw this Plays Well With Others bullshit, it's my ball, and I'll take it and go home. Nobody plays. I'll hold all the balls hostage. Pay me to play or all the balls get it! Matter of fact, since all the balls are mine, I'm now making all the rules, too. Your old rulebook makes nice toilet paper. Some people will play ball with the game-fixers, for reasons of their own; self-service, avarice, power to abuse, general mendacity, who knows? Even though they know they're playing Calvinball.
When did compromise become so reviled? When did it become a good idea to exclude, out of hand, an entire group of people in governing decisions, just to be hateful and divisive? Is it because otherizing and demonizing the opposition are all the current grifters have got to sell? Since when has asking Could We Talk About It produced such insta-hate, such monumental auto-faux-outrage sneering that washes through their collective lizard brains, reflects clearly in their eyes, the color of arrogance, not yet revealing ulterior, inferior motives.
I get it. It’s a knee jerk reflex. Or the reflex of a jerk. Whatever. We all snap sharply to react to things that we are taught; things learned in tandem with language. Reaction is already Over before you've had time to consider the Subliminal Jerk who lurks beneath that fancy front brain, home of higher level thought. Limbic rules, frontal cortex drools! Anything requiring a response more difficult to parse than knee jerk is usually also set to Nope. It's the mindset. Like concrete. Snap judgements are made. Everyone is guilty, (looking in the mirror here,) prejudice is far from dead, people are only human, but they can learn. Broad mind, narrow waist, old knee, new tricks. It's possible. Though I suspect the contingent of status quo worshipers that continues their path down Nope Forever will refuse to change. Certain old dogs hate new tricks.
People are constantly inconsistent, count on it. Their words warp into weasel wrestling. Slick. Good Faith has been twisted into Screw Unto Others.... These Very Fine People that say Or Else will tell you the only right way to do something is the way they do it; their way or Wrong Way, Dumbass. It's the same demand to conform to some artificial and arbitrary idea of normal, illogical logic that used to lead teachers to tie their left-handed students' hands down, force them to write with their right hand, in the name of "what is correct."
Most thinking people don't view Because I Said So as a valid reason to Comply. Especially not when Or Else is added. Just like those now discredited writing teachers who acted surprised when their coerced left handed kids hated to write; these people are surprised when the populace refuses Or Else. We scoff at your Just Because, too.. Huh. The current climate of "do it our way or you are condemned to Eternal Damnation" makes poor public policy. Psh. Even kids know better. Especially the left handed ones.
The incipient threat of eternal damnation impress me not a bit, fails to ruffle one single feather. Eternal damnation in the afterlife bothers me considerably less than the real live Jesus Jumpers endless Bible thumping I have to tolerate on this mortal plain. The Chrome Christians; All Show, No Go. They're confusing to me, because no matter how loudly they say any thing, you can't hear their voice over their actions. Malpractice of preaching, minor misdemeanor. Major misinterpretation. Misquote. Meh.
Many profess charity and kindness, but a certain segment of those who talk church talk, seem to rejoice in the sadistic satisfaction of grinding people’s faces in the dirt, rubbing their noses in their poverty and misfortune, while their own self righteous noses remain firmly in the air. The better to look down upon Those People. Sucks To Be You and Haha radiate off the God Botherers in smug waves; their meanness and poverty of spirit, so endemic……..I am saddened their ugly attitude upstaging the Love One Another message. Cognitive dissonance wins again!
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Oh, yeah. Or Else. Not Winning. Every mom on the planet knows that you don’t ask a 3 year old if they want to put clothes on. Because three year olds are set to “Auto-NO.” So instead of focusing on getting them dressed completely, you ask if they want to put their shirt on first or their socks. They think they're running the show then. Cooperation ensues. Ask the question so everyone wins. Allow options. This shouldn't even require strategic thought, just common sense. Working toward the ultimate goal of getting the child dressed without stress. Being forced to do anything, especially without the courtesy of asking, just jumping directly to Or Else sits poorly. At any age.
The illusion of choice is powerful. Often it costs nothing to make a small concession, build social capital. Store up good will. Stomping and force work, sure. For a minute. Our current issues are a wee bit larger than dressing a 3 year old, but sheesh, the people who are in charge are surely getting an F in negotiation. Their kids are never going to get dressed. Waaaaay too many views of Bruce Willis movies. Ever try to force dress a boneless 3 year old? Yeah, no. The Or Else-rs also seem to have a serious deficiency in the art of Friendly Persuasion, never think to open with Nice.
Beginning with, “Or Else,” may temporarily cow your opponent into submission, get the immediate result desired, but force makes resentment. Resentment makes anger, anger is met with force, which makes more resentment…...and Mrs Parker thought her circle was vicious.
You can keep the citizens afraid enough to comply with whatever edict has been foisted upon them. To a point. They'll lip synch to the company words, pretend to agree, appear to go along to get along. For a while.
Outwardly, they eat those empty platitudes they are force fed, pretend all is well, nothing to see here, maybe even try for a piece of the purloined pie for themselves. It is fairly easy to force people to go through the motions of daily living when they are ruled through fear, the corporate lash forcing the peasants to keep their heads low. Nose, meet grindstone. Peasant resentment and unredressed grievances stubbornly remain, seething.
Zero hearts and minds have been changed by Or Else. Pretending to comply is just another phrase for Laying In Wait, and the moment the people sense weakness, they'll turn on their temporary overlords like hyenas. Like they did to Scar in The Lion King. Ended Badly. Trivia: Hyenas don't wait for their prey to die, they just start eating what's still running. An ignominous ending.....hello, karma? It's me again...
Here are some things I have noticed that do not have long term success in making people see things your way, make them happy to do what you want, not sulk, bide their time, then turn on you, go Full Hyena because, surprise, they hate you. I have zero degrees in any of the Ologies that comprise the study of human behavior, but I do have a Third Degree Black Belt in Mom Level 9 Cajoling of Small Children and Humoring of Old Folk.
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Intimidation. Bad move. When I think about intimidation, I remember a large spider who had taken up residence in the machine shop where Mr sk8z worked. The guys knew where it lived and they made a game of walking closer and closer to its house, day after day. Taunting. Looming large. Right up til that day when one of them stomped too closely and that spider launched itself at the offending boot in desperation. Scared the hell out of the guy. Everyone laughed, but they left the spider alone after that. So, no, intimidation just makes desperation. Long term compliance outlook using intimidation: Poor.
The Wannabee Powers of Boogaloo Billy and his Rent-a-Bois, the Potemkin Militia, like to call their uninvited presence Dominating, as though they have pre-won. They may momentarily appear to prevail, but it is almost certain that whatever victory they claim will also be called Temporary. Mom knows she can force compliance while she is watching, as she hangs over your shoulder, but eventually, she won't be looking. Mom can dominate that cookie jar while she is standing there, but sooner or later, that cookie jar will be unsupervised. Conclusion: domination is temporary, results short term.
The best way to succeed at getting people to comply agreeably and willingly, is to let them think that what you want is Their idea. (See: Tom Sawyer, Fence). This is also called finesse. (See Contract Bridge Rules) I think you can draw your own conclusion here.
As I continue to preach to the choir, you can all join in. Harmony is nice. We can agree that a good secondary tactic is to make the other side laugh, for any reason at all. Gives you leverage. Someone who makes you laugh is definitely several notches down the threat alert system. Disarms people. Psychological advantage against psychos, if you will.
Because I Said So works for 3 year olds. And we all know very many immature people who never progress past the emotional age of 3, still carry the wrongheaded notion that might makes right, everyone must be bent to their will, preferably broken. They'll Show You. It satisfies their craving for maximum misery infliction, that need to sate some twisted concept of Winning. That maladjusted attitude earns them nothing lasting except resentment.
All of the above ideas, except for Tom and his Fence, are not permanent solutions to having people with delusions of grandeur and God(s) On Their Side, trying to impose their will upon the unwilling. It's for your own good, dammit! But force is always temporary. Sooner or later, it lets up. Complacency sets in. They forget about those hyenas they trampled underfoot, now hungrier and more angry. Downright unreasonable when starved.
None of the above methods of forced compliance make any effort to win hearts or minds, convert people to a cause, pull them together, knit a community into whole fabric. If you are unable to bring people together, to make their lives better, all you have are a bunch of frayed knots.
When you try to Or Else the frayed knots, there will be a surprising number of, "'Fraid Nots," among the frayed. Those are the people who will see your Or Else and raise you a No Way, see your ultimatum for what it really is......Weakness. Probably fatal.
Sycophants gonna syco. Not all people are good. I still find that idea shocking, but I think making other people smile is life itself. Sue me. Pollyanna lives! Her outlook is slightly wary now, but she still has ideals, believes in the basic good of people, justice will triumph over evil, kindness and decency will win the day. Happily ever after.
People with a healthy emotional repertoire want to believe in goodness and mercy. Who doesn't appreciate a little choice now and then, an option here, an independent notion there. Or Else is a frogmarch, not persuasion.
Just like to point that out to the current underhanded overlords, our so-called Representatives, that you've already got all the middle class frogs in the rapidly heating cauldron, and those poor frogs you are poking at now respond badly to Or Else, answering your threat with So What? Disenfranchised frogs have nothing to lose; threatening to take away the Mercedes they don't have doesn't faze them, and trying to force them to jump simply because you said so will end poorly.
It could be that I'm just hopping madly around randomly here, jumping to conclusions while I hang out with my peace frog friends. Might be that peripatetic ranty dance I occasionally do in public. Every so often, I think what I write might be worth telling. Sometimes I just want to make people laugh. Or maybe I just want to have my say before I croak.