Hopefully I'm not digging a bigger hole here...
Because of the E. Jean Carroll trial there has been a lot of discussion on DKos about what women experience on a daily basis and the ‘little abuses’* men pile on them. I was saddened to read through those descriptions, and in many cases I felt prompted to comment when I saw references to men’s behaviour.
“Not all men!” I want to say. Here’s why I shouldn't—starting with how my daughter dresses.
As a single dad to a daughter I was keenly aware that she would always face the world differently than I did—and in many ways her life would be more difficult, even though I’m a visible POC and she looks as white as her mother.
When my wife walked out on us, my mother moved in and helped in so many ways, but one ongoing argument I had with mum was about how I raised my daughter to dress. I always told her she could dress however she wanted—at my house my daughter often dressed in overalls or jeans (my ex had 50% custody and was emotionally abusive to my daughter; she would berate her for “dressing like a boy” when she was little), but occasionally wore skirts over her jeans and mum would tell her that she shouldn’t wear anything short or skimpy because she was just asking for trouble from men. I disagreed vehemently (I still do).
I taught my daughter that she can wear anything she likes, and not to care how others perceived her—but to know that some men would use how she dresses as an excuse for trying to molest her. THIS WOULD NEVER BE HER FAULT! Men like that would use any excuse they had. It was THEM not HER. I taught her how to protect herself—not just in terms of fighting back, but having the situational awareness to know when trouble might be brewing and how to plan to escape it. Have multiple exit plans.
My ex tried to teach my daughter that it was good to have men’s attention—you could use them for your own ends that way. She tried to teach her that being alone was worse than being with someone abusive. I spent years fighting those ideas she tried to plant in my daughter’s head.
I’ll admit, I wasn’t always perfect. I struggled with letting my daughter wear makeup when she was in junior high—until she explained to me that she wore it for HER, because it made HER feel better about herself. I didn’t agree with some of her piercings, but again, she made those choices because of how they made HER feel, so I really can’t argue against that.
I’m a sexual abuse survivor myself (once by a man and once by a woman), but those were isolated incidents in my life. I struggle with understanding the volume of abuse women face daily, and sometimes I do feel the urge to say “not all men.” Because of my own experience I am very stand-offish. I don’t like to be touched. Part of why I stopped dating was I didn’t like inappropriate contact from others—or expectations that I would show my interest in a woman by touching her without her expressed intent. So, yes, I’m not one of those men who purposefully or thoughtlessly harass women—but I keep telling myself I have to content myself with that knowledge and keep my yap shut, as by saying “Not all men” I’m turning the conversation from being about women’s experiences, to how I, as an ally, feel badly when I hear about such experiences.
My daughter an I have a really close relationship, and in most ways I understand her in a fundamental way because she thinks very much like I do. I know however that I will never be able to understand what it is like for her as an adult woman, especially one in the military, and I just have to be there to listen and support her no matter what happens.
I wish I could make things better for every woman—but if I can make it better for just one, then maybe I’m doing my part as a ‘real’ man.
But if I—or any man—wants to really help beyond just teaching their sons not to be abusive and their daughters that abuse is never their fault and how to protect themselves, then the best thing we can do, is hear women’s stories, no matter how bad it makes us feel, and amplify them.
Because a very real problem is, not all men do this.
And we really should.
Sean
*perhaps a poor choice of words as fromberkeleytocville noted in the comments. I don’t intend to minimize any abuse, but to highlight even the choice of words men use when talking to or about women are often seen as ‘minor’ when they still are abuse. See Cmae’s diary for some idea of the range of abuses women face daily. Perhaps ‘relentless’ is the right word choice. [Edited 04-29-2023 23:49]
[Edit: Somehow this made the Rec List, so thank you for that (my first time), but let me also point to another diary I think should be amplified by WireBender73: Protecting Oneself from Rape Memories.]
